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Old 09-13-2013, 11:44 PM   #1411
I used to play keyboards, but now ...
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I could cut and paste, but the original reference deserves the credit:

http://21stcenturywire.com/2013/06/02/john-cleese-syria-and-alert-to-threats-in-europe/
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Old 09-16-2013, 08:03 PM   #1412
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Perks of being over 50

If you are not over 50, this is what you have to look forward to.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
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Old 09-18-2013, 06:25 PM   #1413
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A man came to realize that he'd gained a lot of weight over the years, and
had to lose 30 pounds.
So he went to a weight-loss gym, explained his problem, also indicating that
he'd tried to diet but couldn't stick to it and was never able to lose the
weight.
The lady at the desk guaranteed him that he'd lose 30 pounds in 3 days or
he'd get his money back.
So the man paid his money and signed up for the course. It required that he
would stay at the gym continuously for 3 days. So he made an appointment to
begin the course.

The first morning, he showed up and weighed in. He was shown a door, and
was told to go thru the door and await further instructions.
He went thru the door and waited.
After a couple of minutes another door opened, and in came a beautiful
blonde woman wearing only a pair of lace panties. Around her neck hung a
sign:
"If you catch me my ass is yours"
So he got all excited and began chasing her around the gym. After chasing
her all day and all night he was worn out, but still hadn't caught her. So
that was the end of day one.
When he weighed in he hadn't lost any weight. So he then had 2 days to lose
30 pounds.

Then he weighed in for the second day, and still weighed the same, so he
still had 2 days to lose 30 pounds.
He went into the gym and waited.
Again, a good-lookin' blonde woman came into the gym, wearing only a pair of
lace panties. Around her neck hung a sign:
"If you catch me my ass is yours"
So he chased her around the gym all day and all night until he was
completely worn out, but still couldn't catch her.
This time when he weighed in he still hadn't lost any weight.

In fact, when he weighed in for the 3rd day, he'd gained 3 more pounds, so
he had one day to lose 33 pounds. He reminded the lady at the desk that
he'd been given a money-back guarantee that he'd lose 30 pounds in 3 days,
and this was the last day.
She assured him that he'd lose all 33 pounds that day.

So he went into the gym and waited. After a couple of minutes, the door
opened, and in came a 6-foot-6 giant man that looked a lot like a gorilla,
with a long blonde wig and wearing nothing but a pair of lace panties.
Hanging around his neck was a sign that read:
"If I catch you your ass is mine"
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Old 09-19-2013, 08:03 PM   #1414
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Default Poo Pourri

This is a real product but a hilarious commercial.
Listen to some of the terminology.

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Old 09-19-2013, 08:15 PM   #1415
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Nice commercial.
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Old 09-20-2013, 12:45 AM   #1416
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How Obama Attacked Syria :
Obama told Assad, " If you cross this red line, it's on, MF. "
Assad crossed the line .
Obama said, " You just made your first mistake " .
Assad stood there .
Obama told the Senate to grab one of his arms and hold tight. Then he told the House to grab the other arm and hold it tight.
Then Obama yelled, " Let me at him ! "
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Old 09-28-2013, 08:16 PM   #1417
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Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in
his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom
to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there
was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly
called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones.
How might I help you?" "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father
O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me
front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take
care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the
foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father,
replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took
care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment....... Father O'Malley
then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify
the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
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Old 09-28-2013, 09:08 PM   #1418
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"Marxist ? Socialist ? I can tell you exactly what Obama is but I can't say it on a family Internet ".
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Old 09-28-2013, 11:16 PM   #1419
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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited
at a party...

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of
the barrel.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my
pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went
to flight school to become a pilot.

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his
best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his
own construction company and is now a multimillionaire...

He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his
best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel
for the successes of our sons...

What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living
dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a
disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son
and I love him.

And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks
ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'
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Old 09-29-2013, 12:54 AM   #1420
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A Redneck Love Poem:

Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe,
She was so happy about it all,
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yer maw don’t know,
But Joe’s your half-brother.”

So Susie put aside her Joe,
And planned to marry Will,
But after telling pappy this,
He said, “There’s trouble still.”

“You can’t marry Will, my gal,
And please don’t tell your mother,
But Will and Joe, and several mo’
I know is your half-brother.”

But Mama knew and said, "My child,
Just do what makes y’all happy,
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain’t no kin to Pappy!”
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Last edited by DeltaF; 09-29-2013 at 01:11 AM.
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