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Old 09-03-2013, 01:47 AM   #1401
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c3shooter,now that's funny hahaha!

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Old 09-05-2013, 05:34 PM   #1402
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I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

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Old 09-06-2013, 07:11 AM   #1403
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you know what I did before I married?...Anythind I wanted to.

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Old 09-06-2013, 01:39 PM   #1404
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Once upon a time, there was a strange creature known as a "rarie".
I just appeared one day in a farmer's house, from whence it came no one knows. It was a small blob of meat, beating, throbbing, pulsating. Its shape unlike any other animal. At first the rarie wasn't very big, but it consumed everything within reach that was edible. The rarie just kept getting bigger and bigger, and kept beating, throbbing, pulsating. It got to be so big it filled the room, and the walls were bulging under the strain. So the farmer knew he had to do something, and had some friends knock down an outside wall of the house, then they backed up a dump truck to the opening. They teased the rarie into oozing itself into the dump truck. It just kept on beating, throbbing, pulsating. They drove to a cliff that had a 1,000 foot drop. They tipped up the dump truck and the rarie slid out and fell the 1,000 feet to the bottom of the ravine. The farmer asked the truck driver, "Do you think that killed it?" The truck driver said, "I don't know, but I hope so." "It's a long way to tip a rarie".

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Old 09-06-2013, 05:00 PM   #1405
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AIKIJUTSU
Once upon a time, there was a strange creature known as a "rarie".
I just appeared one day in a farmer's house, from whence it came no one knows. It was a small blob of meat, beating, throbbing, pulsating. Its shape unlike any other animal. At first the rarie wasn't very big, but it consumed everything within reach that was edible. The rarie just kept getting bigger and bigger, and kept beating, throbbing, pulsating. It got to be so big it filled the room, and the walls were bulging under the strain. So the farmer knew he had to do something, and had some friends knock down an outside wall of the house, then they backed up a dump truck to the opening. They teased the rarie into oozing itself into the dump truck. It just kept on beating, throbbing, pulsating. They drove to a cliff that had a 1,000 foot drop. They tipped up the dump truck and the rarie slid out and fell the 1,000 feet to the bottom of the ravine. The farmer asked the truck driver, "Do you think that killed it?" The truck driver said, "I don't know, but I hope so." "It's a long way to tip a rarie".
WTF?!
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Nobody on this thread licked anybody's bodypart.

Nobody said anything.....about Glocks until you posted about your bacon dog who needs dentures.

What did somebody forget to engage their safety and shoot the dogs front teeth out? Or are we blaming that on the Glock shooters?

"Gaston, the Doggy dentist's best friend."
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Old 09-06-2013, 05:55 PM   #1406
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WTF?!
There is an old British military "marching" song, "It's a Long Way to Tipperary"
A place in India, I think.
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Old 09-06-2013, 06:32 PM   #1407
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AIKIJUTSU View Post
There is an old British military "marching" song, "It's a Long Way to Tipperary"
A place in India, I think.
Ireland...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tipperary
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Old 09-08-2013, 01:20 AM   #1408
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It had to happen sooner or later.......................Blonde Men!

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her blond neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------------------------------------
A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blond man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A blond man shouts frantically into the phone.
"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the doctor.
"No," he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A blond man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
-----------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense...sort of...lol)
An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blond man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

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Old 09-13-2013, 10:04 PM   #1409
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I just heard about a young couple who actually got married, rare as that is these days. On their wedding night, they were in their hotel room getting ready for bed. When "Hubby" took off his shoes and socks, "Wifey" looked surprised, and pointed to his feet. "What is wrong with your toes, they are all shrivelled and tiny?", she asked.
"Oh, when I was a little boy, I had a terrible disease called Tolio, and my toes shriveled up like this", he said.
"Oh", she said.
Then he took off his jeans, and "Wifey", pointed at his knees, and said, "Why are your knees so tiny, what made your knees shrivel like that?"
"Hubby" said, "When I was a little boy, I had a terrible disease called "Kneesles".
"Oh", she said.
Then he took off his shorts.
"Wait, don't tell me", "Wifey" said, "When you were a little boy, you had a terrible disease called "Smallcox"."

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Old 09-13-2013, 10:13 PM   #1410
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And there was the biologist that was studying the creation of clones. As an only child, he had always wanted a brother, and so decided to attempt to clone himself. And he succeeded.

His clone was his exact duplicate in every way imaginable. Except one. For some strange reason, the clone had acquired an extremely vulgar vocabulary- he just could not speak without swearing like a sailor.

This became professionally embarrassing. Being exact duplicates, people believed that the coarse mouthed person was the biologist- and his career suffered greatly.

One day, in desperation he invited his clone to go on a picnic with him. In the mountains. Where, with no warning, he shoved the clone off a sheer cliff.

Thus making the first obscene clone fall.

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