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Old 01-24-2011, 12:27 PM   #131
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Default Laws of the Natural Universe

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something, which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

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Old 01-24-2011, 11:18 PM   #132
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How do you know when you're on a really great first date??...Ya ask the girl to dance and she climbs on the table.....

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Old 01-25-2011, 05:54 AM   #133
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Default I sent this one to Jeff Foxwortheys publisher ...

A few years ago... And I am delighted if that is the case that I got to
contribute one "pro-bono"! "You might be a redneck if"... There are always
spent shotgun shell casings on your deck". Jeff, was my insperation to start
spreading spent shells on my deck to keep "bible-thumpers" & door to door
salesman from bothering me! His original joke was to draw an outline of a
human body on the deck & spread a few religious pahmplets around it!

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Old 01-25-2011, 10:36 AM   #134
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nwrednk View Post
A few years ago... And I am delighted if that is the case that I got to
contribute one "pro-bono"! "You might be a redneck if"... There are always
spent shotgun shell casings on your deck". Jeff, was my insperation to start
spreading spent shells on my deck to keep "bible-thumpers" & door to door
salesman from bothering me! His original joke was to draw an outline of a
human body on the deck & spread a few religious pahmplets around it!
Sorry too hard to read with all enter button usage.
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Old 01-28-2011, 12:17 AM   #135
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Default Biker chili

Biker Chili

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in
Sturgis, SD. He sits down at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his
arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there
staring at it, the newbie rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't
gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns
his head and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather
fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spoonin' it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a
dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was very
shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.......'

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Old 01-28-2011, 09:45 PM   #136
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Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

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Old 01-29-2011, 12:38 AM   #137
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Default $10 dog

$10 Dog...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.''I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired..'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that ****.

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Old 01-29-2011, 12:41 AM   #138
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The Dot l
FINALLY,SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP! Now we KNOW who answers our technical calls!

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice......................


The previous two were lifted from another forum, thanks, Jeepster.

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Old 01-30-2011, 08:12 PM   #139
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Old 01-31-2011, 06:08 PM   #140
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Why do hoy,blond biker chicks get all confused in the ladies room??...Because they have to pull down their own pants.....How are sex and drugs alike??....The quality depends on the pusher..........

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