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Old 08-29-2013, 05:29 PM   #1361
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Daddy and Mommy were tucking their little girl into bed and she began to say her prayers.
God bless Daddy
God bless Mommy
God bless Grandma
Good bye Grandpa

The parents were concerned...but did not worry.

The following day Grandpa passed away from old age.

The next evening Daddy and Mommy were tucking their little girl into bed and again she began to say her prayers.
God bless Daddy
God bless Mommy
Good bye Grandma

The parents became very concerned. They did not understand how or why this would be...but went on to bed.

The next day Grandma slipped and fell and passed away.

The next evening Daddy and Mommy were again tucking their little girl into bed and again she began to say her prayers.
God bless Mommy
Good bye Daddy

The father became horrified. He didnt know what to do. The next day when going to work he took the safest route he knew...took every precaution for his safety...all day long...drove extra carefully watching out for traffic.

Finally got home, wanting to unwind from this trying day and asked his wife how her day went...She replied, "It was Ok but the milkman died on the front porch".
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Old 08-29-2013, 05:50 PM   #1362
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A ventriloquist was visiting the far off countryside with no
one around when suddenly he saw a lonely shepherd by his
house sitting on the porch patting his dog. He decided he
wanted to have a little fun...

Ventriloquist: "Hey--good looking dog, mate. Mind if I speak to him?"

Shepherd "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how's it going old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' alright."

Shepherd <extreme look of shock>

Ventriloquist: "Is this Shepherd your owner?" <pointing at the man>

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
great food, and takes me to the lake once a
week to play."

Shepherd <look of disbelief>

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Shepherd "Horse doesn't talk either."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Shepherd <extreme look of shock>

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" <pointing at the Shepherd>

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me
in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Shepherd <total look of amazement>

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Shepherd "The Sheep Lies."
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Old 08-29-2013, 10:16 PM   #1363
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THE OSTRICH!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please"

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and Places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a litre of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
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Old 08-30-2013, 03:50 AM   #1364
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The Mysteries of 'gun control' :

1) Why do they have " gun buy-back programs " if the guns were never theirs in the first place ?

2) Why do so many mass killings happen in " gun-free zones " ?

3) Why did they once have waiting periods only for handguns ? Can't you just buy a long gun instead to shoot your wife ?

4) If a criminal robs you with a registered gun and you shoot him with an unregistered gun, are you in more trouble than he is ?

5) If, as the gun controllies say, " Handguns are only for killing people ", why do they make target pistols ?

6) Why do so many politicians and Hollywood celebrities employ armed guards if they don't think guns make you safer ?

7) Why don't they arrest people who fail to lock away their violent video games ?

8) When the police say they " recovered " a gun, does that mean they originally had it and lost it ?

9) Why don't Bloomberg and friends simply hold a gun turn-in event and invite the Mexican drug gangs to turn in the 5000 AK-47s that Obama gave them ?

10) Now than the NRA has upped its prestige, can we tell MSNBC, " Up yours " ?

11) If a guy is convicted of beating his wife, he can never legally have a gun again --but he doesn't need a gun to beat his wife so what's the big deal ?

12) News Item : An 8-year-old shot his 87-year-old grandmother with a gun she owned. She's dead but thank God it wasn't one of those " deadly military-style semi-automatic assault weapons with no legitimate purpose "I keep hearing about . So no problem, right ?

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Old 08-31-2013, 02:05 AM   #1365
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A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the
first few holes.

The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"

The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation...... And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.
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Old 08-31-2013, 02:39 AM   #1366
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You bastard!
I got the joke!
And it's going on Facebook.
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Old 09-01-2013, 03:37 AM   #1367
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Medical jokes :

" There was a nurse who swallowed a razor blade . She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy and amputated the organ of a close friend . "

Q. What do you call the operation where they change a woman into a man ?
A. An " addadicktome "

The doctor tells a patient, " Don't worry, Mr. Jones, you aren't going to die " .
The patient protests, " I want a second opinion ".
The doctor answers, " Okay, you're going to die. "

Doctor to nurse : " Make sure Mr. Evans has a bowel movement before I show him my bill . "

A doctor told a patient to run a mile a day . Six months later, the patient calls the doctor on the phone to report, " I've made it as far as Denver, but I don't feel any better " .

A patient complains that his condition has not improved.
The doctor asks, " Did you take those suppositories I prescribed ? "
" Suppositories suppositories ! ", the patient explodes, " for all the good they did me, I could have shoved them up my ass . "

A guy shows up at a VD clinic and shows the doctor that his organ has turned orange .
" I've never seen this symtom ", says the concerned doctor, " I'm going to need the names of all of the women you had sex with for our investigation of this new disease ".
" I haven't slept with women ", responds the patient.
" Well, then ", says the doctor, " I'll need a list of all of the men you had contact with ".
" I'm not homosexual ", replies the patient .
The doctor asks, " Then, what kind of sex do you have ? "
The patent answers, " I just sit in my living room alone and watch X-Rated videos and snack on my Cheetos . "

A guy is asked by a man to describe what the doctor did when he checked his friend's colon .
The guy explains, " The doctor shoved this long tool up his ( he pauses ) up his ( he pauses again ) ...
" Rectum ? " asks the man helpfully .
The guy exclaims, " Wrecked 'im ? , I tell ya it darned near killed him ! "

Tip : When the doctor checks your prostate and shoves his finger in your rear, make sure he doesn't have both hands on your shoulders .

A flat-chested woman goes to a plastic surgeon. She opens her shirt and asks, " What do you recommend for this ? "
The surgeon asks, " Have you tried Clearasil ? "

A doctor tried to do a proctological exam on Vice President Joe Biden but he couldn't figure out where to stop .

Cowboy hats are like hemorroids : Sooner or later every A-hole gets one .

The doctor tells a female patient she is pregnant and should tell her husband the good news. She protests that she has no husband, not even a boyfriend and can't see how she could have gotten pregnant .
" Do you have any enemies ", the doctor inquires.
" No, why ? ", she answers .
" Well ", says the doctor, " somebody must have had it in for you. "

Ever wonder what they test for, during the army physical exam, when they grab your testicles and tell you to cough ? They are testing for common sense .
A man who has common sense will do as he's told when someone has him by the balls .
The men who refuse to cough are immediately promoted to Liutenant Colonel .

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Old 09-01-2013, 04:47 AM   #1368
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Joke thread?

Obama.

The joke is on us.
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Old 09-01-2013, 05:10 AM   #1369
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The first thing they asked Obama was how he'd handle race if he won the election.
He said he intended to be President of all Americans .
They asked if he'd still feel that way once he was in the White House .
" We won't call it that any more...", he began.

They warned if I voted for Romney, not much would change .
I voted for Romney and not much changed .

The race between Obama and Romney was " nip and tuck " : Romney got "nipped" and the country got ----- .

They've decided to keep Gitmo open . Heck, they'll need someplace to hold all of the political prisoners once NSA gets through reading our emails .
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Old 09-01-2013, 06:14 PM   #1370
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When I lived in Texas, there were lotsa jokes about "Aggies". (An Aggie is someone who attended or attends Texas A&M University).
I can remember a few of them:

How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
Answer: Two. One to do the eating, and one to watch for cars.

How many Aggies does it take to replace a light bulb?
Answer: Five. One to hold the bulb, and four to rotate the building.

What is brown and crispy and stuck to the ceiling?
Answer: An Aggie electrician.

Can any of you guys remember any more Aggie jokes?
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