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Old 08-14-2013, 12:36 AM   #1351
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Two old trappers were sitting around the fire chatting, one asked about the worst pain they has ever endured, " Hell,, I shot myself in the foot with my oold hog leg .45 once ". The other replied, " When I was old trapping one winter, I stopped to take a crap in a snow bank, I dropped my pants, squatted down, and my junk landed in and set off a spring trap,, but that was only the second worst pain." His buddy, kind of sick from the story said,, " If that is the second,, what is the first? " " That's easy,,, when I jumped up, took off running and hit the end of the chain on that trap! "
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Old 08-15-2013, 10:59 AM   #1352
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Two old trappers were sitting around the fire chatting, one asked about the worst pain they has ever endured, " Hell,, I shot myself in the foot with my oold hog leg .45 once ". The other replied, " When I was old trapping one winter, I stopped to take a crap in a snow bank, I dropped my pants, squatted down, and my junk landed in and set off a spring trap,, but that was only the second worst pain." His buddy, kind of sick from the story said,, " If that is the second,, what is the first? " " That's easy,,, when I jumped up, took off running and hit the end of the chain on that trap! "
Yikes!!! LOL
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Old 08-15-2013, 11:10 AM   #1353
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I reckon that would sting a might for certain,,,

Two blondes were talking on the phone and one decided to drive over to see the other,, " How far is it to your house? " inquired one,, and her friend replied " About 10 feet, I'm on the back porch. "
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Old 08-15-2013, 12:01 PM   #1354
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An old, West Virginie country farmer is lookin' all over for his oldest son. Can't find him anywhere. Finally, he looks out behind the barn and finds is oldest just flailing his manhood like there's no tomorrow!

"Boy, it's time we got you a wife!" says the old farmer.

"OK daddy," says the boy.

So they find a nice little flower of the mountains back in a local holler, and they git the young'uns hitched. The families get together and buy the newlyweds a small farm, just down the road from his Daddy's place.

One day the old farmer strolls down to his son's farm and can't find the boy anywhere! Finally, he looks out behind the barn and finds his newly married son, flailing his manhood like there's no tomorrow!

"Son, that's what we got you a wife fer!" says the farmer.

"I know Daddy, but her little arm gits sooo tired!"
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Old 08-16-2013, 01:15 PM   #1355
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Havent read them all so sorry if this is a dup...

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best".

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one", says the other cowboy. "What is it?".

"Well, you get your wife or girlfriend down on all fours. Then you mount her from behind, reach around and cup one breast and put the other hand in the air.

Then you whisper in her ear -- "Your sister's' a lot tighter than you are". - then you try to stay on for 'eight seconds'".
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Old 08-25-2013, 05:54 PM   #1356
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A woman walks into her kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asks.

"Hunting Flies" He responds.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asks.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replies.

Intrigued, she asks. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responds, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

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Old 08-27-2013, 09:19 PM   #1357
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Sniffer
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was
allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement
Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get
airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next
to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put on e paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That
woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number
and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to
its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a
moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat
and proceeded to crap all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out
how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the
Policeman, 'What's going on ?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.
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Last edited by Threetango; 08-27-2013 at 11:24 PM.
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Old 08-28-2013, 12:19 AM   #1358
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Originally Posted by Threetango View Post
Sniffer
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever
in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was
allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement
Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get
airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next
to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put on e paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That
woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number
and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to
its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a
note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a
moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat
and proceeded to crap all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out
how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the
Policeman, 'What's going on ?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just found a bomb.

LOL Threetango!!
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Old 08-29-2013, 04:24 PM   #1359
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Topical humor :

" Foreign aid sure has changed . We sent F-16s to Israel, money to Egypt and now were going to send Tomahawks to Syria . "

" Attack Syria ? I doubt they'll do it ...I mean...when has a President started a war over WMDs ? "

" The Democrats are proposing a 50% tax on ammunition, so you better stock up before it is in short supply. "

" Some Republicans want to either defund Obamacare or shut down the government . Why can't we do both ? "

" CNNs Wolf Blitzer said Zimmerman shot Martin during a 'scuffle' . I guess it was kinda like that 'scuffle' on the school bus where the 3 black boys 'scuffled' with that 13-year-old white boy . I'm tuning in the UFC tonight to watch some 'scuffles' . So i'm guessing Wolf Blitzer will say those were love taps to Zimmerman's head ? "

" Bradley Manning wants to spend his prison time as a woman . Oddly, that was always one of my great fears ..."

" NSA is steamed because Edward Snowden let people know secret stuff . Now NSA knows how we feel ! "

" The drug war is over : I watched COPS last night and saw them capture the last 40 bags of crack . "

" You can tell the real cop shows like COPS from the acted-out cop shows like Dragnet ; In the real cop shows, it is the cops who break into people's houses and hold them at gunpoint . "

" We live in a free country. If you want to call the President a communist, you can---and you'll be right ! "

" ATF has an open-door policy . If your door is closed, they'll open it . "

" So many people are turning out to be homosexuals ! I tell ya, 'queer is the new normal' " . ( not that there's anything wrong with that ) .

" On gay marriage : I don't want to tell other folks how to live but I, as a man, personally, would not like to be married to a gay woman . "

" This gay marriage thing is nothing new . I ran across an old movie called, " The Gay Divorcee " .

" Mayor Filner is resigning after 13 women accused him of sexual harassment . I guess he was afraid more victims might come forward . "

" Could it be that Anthony Weiner is like Pinocchio - Does his nose get longer when he lies ? "

" Stop demanding transparency from Obama and just accept that the man's black . "

" I complaining to my cable T.V. company because for some weird reason I'm getting the Spanish version of America's Most Wanted " .

" The biggest lie is the one you read in gun magazines : ' No jams or stoppages were experienced during the entire test ' . "

" Regarding Major Hasan : Something is wrong when the worst nut case in the army is a psychiatrist . "

" During the assassination attempt on Reagan, James Brady suffered serious brain damage...and became a gun control advocate . "

" Note to Robin Thicke : In any future dances with Miley Cyrus, wear a condom just in case . "

" From the news : A SWAT team busted in the door of an ex-Green Beret on a tip that he smoked pot . He shot several cops, apparently unaware they were the police . The difference between a federal agent and a Gestapo agent is that the Gestapo agent always had the courtesy to knock . "

" I've got an idea for a reality T.V. show : Instead of tattoos, have expert knife fighters cover up piercings with much bigger piercings . "

" If you think it's impossible for a man to grow a pair of balls late in life, you haven't seen NRA's Wayne LaPierre lately " .

" Bezos bought the Washington Post for 215 million . I've got some swamp land I'd like to tell him about . Newspapers are yesterday's tech . It is like buying the copyright for the VCR . "

Last edited by Rentacop; 08-29-2013 at 04:27 PM.
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Old 08-29-2013, 04:36 PM   #1360
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Why vegetarian women cries during sex?
They cannot accept that piece of meat can so joyful (make them happy).
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