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Old 08-10-2013, 04:44 AM   #1341
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Two fish in a tank, one of them looks at the other and says "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Guy walks into a bar on the 50th floor of a building, only people there are the bartender and another man.

After a bit the first guy looks at the new guy and says "Did you know that the wind around this building is strange, you can jump out that window, and the wind will carry you a short distance, spin you around 3 times and then set you right back on your seat?"

The new guys says "That's a load of crap" First guy says "No it's true I'll show you!" So he jumps out the window and sure enough he goes out a short distance, spins 3 times and lands back on his seat. "See" he tells the new guy.

Well the new guy is stunned, so he tries it and falls to his death.

The bartender looks at the first guy and says "Man you are mean when you're drunk, Superman!"

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Old 08-11-2013, 04:16 PM   #1342
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AP Wire -- Raleigh, NC

As a result of the Trayvon Martin ruling and because there are no black drivers in NASCAR, in a bold move Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. In addition this announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's plan to employ black youngsters.

The decision to hire them was also brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment and barely any equipment at all, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars’ worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be an excellent and innovative marketing move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits.

However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt, Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, a bucket of KFC, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.

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Old 08-11-2013, 04:20 PM   #1343
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A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.He is shown
several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer,
the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500,
and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go
upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks
(she's no dummy), "I have an idea ... it's so sheer that it might as well be
nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow,
and keep the $500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony
and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for
$500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.


Funeral is on Thursday at Noon -------The coffin will be
closed....

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Old 08-11-2013, 05:02 PM   #1344
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New minister in town looks just like Conway Twitty.

So the new preacher decides to call on some of the inactive members to see if they will come back to church.

Preacher rings the door bell of the home of a lady that is taking a shower. Upon hearing the doorbell the lady wonders what to do. She wraps a towel around herself holding it with one hand as she opens the door.

As the door swings the lady looks out, throws both hands up and shrieks, oh my it's Conway Twitty!

The new minister replies, "hello darlin!"

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Old 08-12-2013, 01:20 AM   #1345
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gatoragn View Post
Gun Control. It has already started at Cabela's Sporting Goods Store.


There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela’s Sporting Goods store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets...

The cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos

running amok, I did just as she had instructed.



When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.


I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!



I STILL DON'T THINK I LOOKED THAT BAD…!
Real life is always stranger than fiction. That's why real life makes for the best jokes!!!
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Old 08-12-2013, 12:36 PM   #1346
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A FALCON NESTING IN A TREE

http://i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg

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Old 08-12-2013, 12:58 PM   #1347
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Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat View Post
A FALCON NESTING IN A TREE

http://i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg
LOL! I had a '64 Falcon way back when, and the one in the tree looks a lot better than mine did. It was either in the shop or sitting beside the road waiting for a tow truck most of the time. It was easy on gas, though. If it wasn't running it didn't burn much gas.
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Old 08-12-2013, 07:23 PM   #1348
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A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here.
------------------------------------------------------

Water in the carburetor
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool"
===========================================
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.
25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.
That's scary.
It means 75% are running around untreated.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.
Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end.
"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HE MUST PAY
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today's Short Reading from the Bible...
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!

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Old 08-12-2013, 09:26 PM   #1349
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so pepito was at school one day when the teacher said "your homework assignment for tomorrow will be to write a sentence with thees three words, defense,defeat,and detail" so pepito goes home and can't think of anything and he can't ask his parents for help cuz they don't know english his brother is at work and his sister doesn't want to help him. after failing at having somebody help him he desides to do it himself. so the next day he goes to school and the teacher asks for volunteers to read their sentences pepito is the only one who raises his hand she tries to ignore him by saying "did anybody do their homework?" nothing "fine pepito read yourself." he gets excited and i proud of his paper. he clears his throat and reades"the dog jumps over defence, first defeat, then detail."

Please forgive me for the bad spelling and grammar but I just copied and pasted. Enjoy.

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Old 08-13-2013, 09:31 PM   #1350
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a
terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.. The pain
was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagined the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move
caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as
they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of
the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover
completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively
asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is ‘sternum’."

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