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Old 08-05-2013, 01:18 AM   #1331
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With all the recent technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old

friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from

the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while

first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM'

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Old 08-05-2013, 12:12 PM   #1332
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Old man stops at the information desk at the hospital, and tells them he is there to visit his 85 yr old sister. While looking up the patient's name, she noted that she was in for emergency surgery.

Brother said yep, that's her- Gunshot.

GUNSHOT !?!? Was there an accident?

No, she got all depressed because her husband done up an run off with some 50 year old floozy from the trailer park. She had a little .25 caliber pistol she had for years, decided to shoot herself in the heart.

She looked up the location of the heart, and it said located between and just below the nipples. So she put the pistol there and pulled the trigger.

That is just TERRIBLE ! Will she be OK ?

Yeah............... but the doc said that messed up her kneecap real bad......

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Old 08-05-2013, 12:17 PM   #1333
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Quote:
Originally Posted by c3shooter View Post
Old man stops at the information desk at the hospital, and tells them he is there to visit his 85 yr old sister. While looking up the patient's name, she noted that she was in for emergency surgery.

Brother said yep, that's her- Gunshot.

GUNSHOT !?!? Was there an accident?

No, she got all depressed because her husband done up an run off with some 50 year old floozy from the trailer park. She had a little .25 caliber pistol she had for years, decided to shoot herself in the heart.

She looked up the location of the heart, and it said located between and just below the nipples. So she put the pistol there and pulled the trigger.

That is just TERRIBLE ! Will she be OK ?

Yeah............... but the doc said that messed up her kneecap real bad......
LOL!!!
That's GREAT!!!
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Old 08-05-2013, 01:05 PM   #1334
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Quote:
Originally Posted by c3shooter View Post
Old man stops at the information desk at the hospital, and tells them he is there to visit his 85 yr old sister. While looking up the patient's name, she noted that she was in for emergency surgery.

Brother said yep, that's her- Gunshot.

GUNSHOT !?!? Was there an accident?

No, she got all depressed because her husband done up an run off with some 50 year old floozy from the trailer park. She had a little .25 caliber pistol she had for years, decided to shoot herself in the heart.

She looked up the location of the heart, and it said located between and just below the nipples. So she put the pistol there and pulled the trigger.

That is just TERRIBLE ! Will she be OK ?

Yeah............... but the doc said that messed up her kneecap real bad......
Hahahhaa Good one!! ....At least it wasn't an ankle injury!
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Old 08-05-2013, 02:05 PM   #1335
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That is hilarious C3.

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Old 08-05-2013, 06:01 PM   #1336
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Originally Posted by MisterMcCool View Post
A doctor informs an elderly patient "you have Parkinson's and Alzheimer's."
The old woman replies "well, at least I don't have Parkinson's."
Doc says to elderly patient.

"You've got terminal cancer and Alzheimer's. So you can just fugeddaboudit."
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Old 08-05-2013, 08:34 PM   #1337
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He: "What is the difference between ignorance and indifference?"
She: "I don't know and I don't care".

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Old 08-05-2013, 08:54 PM   #1338
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3 worst hurts in the world.


A hunter sitting at a bar orders a double-shot and slams it down. He orders another and slams it down. He orders a third and drops the drink on the bar, breaks the glass and it falls in his lap and cuts his organ.

A man sitting next to him says, "That must be the worst hurt in the world".

The hunter replies, "Nope, for me its the 3rd worst hurt Ive experienced".

The man holds his forehead and says, "What was the second worst hurt?"

The hunter tells him, "I was out in the woods hunting and had to take a crap. I went between some trees and squatted down and my testicles set off a bear trap".

The man in disbelief says, "WOW! What was the first worst hurt?"

The hunter replied "When I reached the end of the chain".

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Old 08-05-2013, 09:32 PM   #1339
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Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 aand you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a
Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari?

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Old 08-10-2013, 01:48 AM   #1340
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Default Be careful at Cabela's

Gun Control. It has already started at Cabela's Sporting Goods Store.


There was a bit of confusion at the Cabela’s Sporting Goods store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets...

The cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos

running amok, I did just as she had instructed.



When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.


I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!



I STILL DON'T THINK I LOOKED THAT BAD…!

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