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Old 07-30-2013, 05:21 PM   #1321
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An elderly couple from N.J. is driving cross-country to visit their daughter in L.A., when they get pulled over by a highway patrolman in the deserts of Nevada.

As the trooper approaches the car he notes the couple's age & the N.J. tag.

"Do you know what I pulled you over for sir?" asks the trooper.

"I'm really not sure, young man," says the driver.

"What'd he say?" asks the old lady from the passenger seat.

"Asked if I knew what he pulled us over for Ma," says the old-timer.

"Well, I pulled you over because you were speeding," says the trooper.

"What'd he say," asked the old lady.

"Said I was speedin' Ma," says the driver, "You'll have to pardon her officer, she's hard of hearing."

"I see your from New Jersey," says the patrolman.

"What'd he say?"

"He said he sees that we're from Jersey Ma."

"I used to live in New Jersey," says the trooper.

"What'd he say?"

"He said he used to live in Jersey too Ma."

The small talk continues, with constant interruption by the old lady.

"I love it out here," says the trooper. "As a matter of fact, as I remember, the worst piece of ass I ever had was in New Jersey!"

"What'd he say?"

"Says he knows ya, Ma!"
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Last edited by eatmydust; 08-02-2013 at 06:00 PM.
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Old 07-31-2013, 02:00 AM   #1322
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News item :
A jewel thief in France got 136 million dollars in jewelry . This guy makes Trayvon Martin look like a piker !
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Old 08-01-2013, 07:29 PM   #1323
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Here is a "heart-rending" skit from Saturday Night Live about Col. Angus:

http://www.imdb.com/video/hulu/vi3527016473
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Old 08-02-2013, 04:09 AM   #1324
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" A Russian delivered a speech recently in which he condemned show trials, political influence on the courts, witholding of exculpatory evidence by proscecutors, trying the accused twice for the same crime , government organizing of street demonstrations against the accused, government-controlled news , charges brought without any evidence, judges refusing to dismiss a case even though there is no evidence , anonymous jurors fearing for their lives, good citizens too afraid to speak out, the accused being presumed guilty and having to prove his innocence, selected facts provided by the police to the media, unfair trials that use 6 instead of 12 jurors and a hundred lies told about the accused over and over until they are regarded as fact . This, he said, is the way the USSR operated . "
I replied, " Don't insult my country ! "
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Old 08-03-2013, 12:17 AM   #1325
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A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . .

Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say "Hello".
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Old 08-03-2013, 04:21 AM   #1326
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . .

Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

And you thought all they did was say "Hello".
Epic lol. Love the blond jokes
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Old 08-03-2013, 03:50 PM   #1327
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Two elderly ladies were talking.



“At our age, I don’t know what would be worse;
Parkinson”s or Alzheimer”s?" one said.



Her wise friend answered, “Oh I’d rather have
Parkinson’s, definitely Parkinson’s. Better to
spill half my wine than to forget where I keep
the bottle."
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Old 08-04-2013, 04:28 PM   #1328
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Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."
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Old 08-05-2013, 12:08 AM   #1329
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There was a knock at the door. I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:

"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."

So I said "Come in and sit down."

I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

He said, "Beats the **** out of me! Nobody ever let me in before."
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Old 08-05-2013, 12:17 AM   #1330
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A doctor informs an elderly patient "you have Parkinson's and Alzheimer's."
The old woman replies "well, at least I don't have Parkinson's."
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