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Old 06-21-2013, 01:13 PM   #1301
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A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.



Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.



The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"



The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."



The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!”



"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."



"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find water!"



"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...Go In Peace."



Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.



Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped...







"They won't let me in without a tie!”

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Old 06-21-2013, 02:04 PM   #1302
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tri70 View Post
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.



Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.



The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"



The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."



The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!”



"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."



"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but... I must conserve my energy and find water!"



"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...Go In Peace."



Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.



Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped...







"Your fukking brother won't let me in without a tie!”
Fixed it for ya!
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Old 06-21-2013, 11:32 PM   #1303
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This has probably have already been posted and if so I apologize:



Good joke that Liberals will hate



Bob: "Did you hear about the Obama administration scandal?"
Jim: "You mean the Mexican gun running?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean SEAL Team 6 Extortion 17?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the voter fraud?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the president demoralizing and breaking down the military?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the Boston Bombing?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the president wanting to kill Americans with drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "You mean the president arming the Muslim Brotherhood?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, e-mails and everything else?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons and falsely blaming the seqester?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's threat to impose gun control by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's repeated violation of the law requiring him to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The president's unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate's advise-and-consent role?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "HHS employees being given insider information on Medicare Advantage?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "Clinton, the IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Bob: "No, the other one."
Jim: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters stuck us again with the most corrupt administration in American history?"
Bob: "THAT'S THE ONE!"

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Old 07-02-2013, 07:27 PM   #1304
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One day a man was walking in the woods near his home, and his little daughter was walking with him. Before they'd gone very far, they saw a really big bear on the trail ahead of them. The man raised his 500 S&W revolver and was about to fire, when his little daughter started crying and pled with him, "No daddy, don't shoot Gladly!"
Her dad said, "What do you mean, don't shoot gladly?"
She said, "That's his name - Gladly!"
Her daddy said, "How do you know his name is Gladly?"
She said, "See, he is cross-eyed. We sang a song about him in church last Sunday. It was named "Gladly the Cross-eyed Bear!"

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Old 07-02-2013, 08:24 PM   #1305
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A pony express rider is ridin' like a bat outta hell, with the day's mail, when off in the distance he sees what appears to be a Comanche warrior just laid out naked in the mid-day sun with a raging hard on.

As he approaches, he sees his eyes weren't playing tricks on him, but since he's in a hurry, he rides on.

Farther along the trail, once again he sees what looks like another laid out warrior sporting wood. His curiosity now piqued, he hauls up alongside the Injun with the turgid member and asks, "What on earth are you guys up to? Your the second warrior I've passed today laid out in the sun, stark naked with an erection."

The warrior looks up at the rider and says, "Me tellum time."

"Huh, what on God's green earth are you talkin' about chief?" says the rider.

"Me get woody and lay on back, with head pointed North, shadow is cast by member and tells me time," says the Indian warrior.

"Whatever!" says the rider and hauls arse.

Once again, the rider comes upon an Indian warrior, naked in the sun, but this one is flailing his member, like their is no tomorrow. The rider pulls up and asks, "I know you ain't tell no damn time son, just what the hell do you think yer doin'?"

"Me windum watch!"

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Old 07-08-2013, 03:49 PM   #1306
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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service."

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Old 07-09-2013, 01:34 PM   #1307
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You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks
Called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency
Open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard
Loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to
Pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the
Irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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Old 07-16-2013, 07:52 PM   #1308
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Supposedly true.




-Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

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Old 07-17-2013, 01:05 PM   #1309
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Default A Post Turtle

A friend sent me this:

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was
caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man.


Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'Post Turtle'
was.



The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'Post Turtle'.



The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to
explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up
there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond
his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him
up there to begin with."

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Old 07-17-2013, 10:13 PM   #1310
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Quote:
Originally Posted by danf_fl View Post
A friend sent me this:

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand was
caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle''.

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'Post Turtle'
was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'Post Turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to
explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up
there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond
his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him
up there to begin with."
Love it lol
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