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Old 06-15-2013, 04:22 PM   #1291
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Man, that's GREAT!!!

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Old 06-15-2013, 04:34 PM   #1292
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat
The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.
That is great!
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Old 06-17-2013, 01:27 PM   #1293
I want either less corruption or more opportunity to participate in it.
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Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best fisherman friends, Cooter and Gumer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gumer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gumer looked at the body and said, 'Yup,
he's pretty well burnt up, Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gumer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley .'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gumer said, 'Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.'

What! He had two ass-holes?' asked the mortician.

Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Stanley with them two ass-holes."
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Old 06-18-2013, 03:22 AM   #1294
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KJG67 View Post
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best fisherman friends, Cooter and Gumer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange, So he brought Gumer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gumer looked at the body and said, 'Yup,
he's pretty well burnt up, Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gumer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley .'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gumer said, 'Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.'

What! He had two ass-holes?' asked the mortician.

Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Stanley with them two ass-holes."
That's hilarious
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Old 06-18-2013, 12:22 PM   #1295
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A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California.

The Captain gets on the loud- speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small
craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts,
"We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory
taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.
When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back
on the loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the
last four. The rest are already there!"

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Old 06-19-2013, 11:06 AM   #1296
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Remember when Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to

pose nude in an upcoming issue?


Then Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic?


And when KFC offered a "Hillary" meal, consisting of two small

breasts and two large thighs?


Now KFC is offering the "Obama Cabinet Bucket." It consists of nothing

but left wings and chicken ****.



Just keeping you up to date.....

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Old 06-19-2013, 11:22 AM   #1297
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KJG67
Illinois:
The Governor of Illinois is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks and kills the Governor's dog.
1. The Governor starts to intervene and the coyote bites him. He reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control.. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8 The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

Arizona:
The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her concealed carry pistol and keeps jogging.
The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards come along later and eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why Illinois is broke and Arizona is not.
Best thing I've read all week
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Old 06-21-2013, 12:10 AM   #1298
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THE CRUISE

JANE'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.

Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip.

It will be my first cruise, - and I can't wait!
--------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today..... seems like a very nice man.
--------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
----------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin! Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
--------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.

He really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
--------------------------------------------------------------

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives.


Twice!!!

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Old 06-21-2013, 12:49 AM   #1299
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Girl to blonde girl friend..!

Girl: I've slept with a Brazilian.....!

Blonde: You whore , you tramp , how many is that..?

How to keep a Polack busy..? A piece of paper with turn over and read , turn over and read..!

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Old 06-21-2013, 03:28 AM   #1300
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I imagine this is eerily close to reality (NSFW)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=bKgf5PaBzyg#at=106

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