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Old 01-21-2011, 10:54 AM   #121
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Old 01-21-2011, 06:08 PM   #122
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A guy walks into a bar in South Carolina and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from York County Pennsylvania ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in York County Pennsylvania ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Yorkie "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

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Old 01-22-2011, 10:28 PM   #123
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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking??...Slow down and use a lubricant.....How can you tell if a biker is thinking about the future??...He buys two cases of beer instead of one.....

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Old 01-23-2011, 12:57 PM   #124
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Default Hmmm, the famous quotes thread...

Has become hard to find, but I have one that fits here! "Me fail english?
That's unpossible"! By Ralph Wiggum !

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Old 01-23-2011, 01:42 PM   #125
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A bat is about to go on a plane ride and is bringing two dead raccoons with him.

Just before he boards the plane the flight attendant stops him and says, "I'm sorry sir, you're only allowed one carrion."

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Old 01-23-2011, 05:37 PM   #126
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Why do prison administrators like women on parole boards??...They never let anyone finish a sentence.....What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common??...They both cost $100 bucks and if the rubber breaks,yer f#cked.......

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Old 01-23-2011, 11:59 PM   #127
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Default For the riders

This one is for those of u who ride real bikes see if u can laugh at yalls self and to those of yall that ride rice burners well kiss that little dirty hole just playin I love yall 2

How do you know you're riding a Harley?
While coming off an exit-ramp you get passed by a Vespa.

Is it true that Harleys are chick magnets?
Yes, but only if the chick has a steel plate in her head.

Why don't Harley riders sit on their bikes when the side stands are down?
They're afraid to lean over that far.

What's the difference between a Harley and a Harley owner's home?
The Harley costs more and has fewer wheels.

Why don't Harley riders wave at sport bike riders?
Because they don't want to drop their tools.

How do you know the aftermarket parts you bought for your Harley are working?
You finally break into the 15's in the quarter mile.

What do you call a group of Harley Owners with a collective IQ of 120?
Sturgis!

How do Harley engineers tell if a bike is worthy of the Harley name?
They check to make sure the exhaust noise in decibels exceeds the horsepower rating.

How does an engineer show he is deserving of a job at Harley?
He must demonstrate he is capable of designing a device which can successfully turn
gasoline into noise and vibration.

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?
The location of the dirt bags.

Why do Harleys have fringes?
So you can tell if they're moving.

How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.

How do you know your Harley is handling great?
You can almost keep up with the logging trucks when you're riding in the canyons.

What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself.

What's the difference between a Harley taken to Daytona on a trailer and one that's
being ridden there?
The one on the trailer is going about 30mph faster.

Why couldn't the Harley mechanic repair the doorknob?
Some things just can't be fixed with only a hammer and a rope.

Where can you find the largest collection of Harley jokes in the world?
On the showroom of the Harley mega-store in Milwaukee

Why do Harley owners love chrome?
Makes the parts easier to find when they fall off.

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Old 01-24-2011, 01:22 PM   #128
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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day.
Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
And lo, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a sh*t one way or the other.

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Old 01-24-2011, 01:24 PM   #129
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Default Sometimes...

Sometimes... when you do the right thing ... no one cares......
Sometimes... when you cry ... no one sees your tears......
Sometimes... when you are in pain... no one sees your hurt...
Sometimes... when you are worried.... no one sees your stress......
Sometimes... when you are happy .... no one sees your smile......
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But fart just one time...

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Old 01-24-2011, 01:25 PM   #130
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Default F16 vs. C-130

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"

The C-1 30 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said, "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and microwaved a Cinnamon bun."


When you are young and foolish - speed and flash may seem a good thing!!

When you get older and smarter - comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!!

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