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Old 05-27-2013, 10:14 PM   #1281
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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after
midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her
in
The act.
For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is
his
Wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money�

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Redskin tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly
dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches Cold.'

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Old 05-28-2013, 12:35 PM   #1282
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat View Post
the Great Flydini, an old Steve Martin skit on Johnny Carson.

http://rubytooth.com/link/45516

This was funny! Thanks for the morning chuckle
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Old 06-08-2013, 06:36 AM   #1283
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" For sale : 9mm Glock 17 . No use to me as you can't get ammunition for this old gun anymore . "

They say the IRS " scrutinized " the TEA Party . Right, like Al Queda " scrutinized" the World Trade Center.

Would anyone who'd ever been to a carnival trust a White House spokesman named " Carney " ?

" I heard a lot of tornado survivors crediting God for their survival . Funny, I didn't hear people ask why God let their houses get flattened...."

Relocate IRS headquarters to Oklahoma City !

If the Obama Administration targets organizations with " Patriots " in their names, what does that make them ? Traitors ?

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Old 06-09-2013, 10:57 PM   #1284
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A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

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Old 06-10-2013, 04:45 AM   #1285
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Check this one out- wake-up pranks:

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=191076591050968

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Old 06-10-2013, 12:26 PM   #1286
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Check this one out- wake-up pranks:

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=191076591050968

Now that's just hilarious!! LOL
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Old 06-10-2013, 12:38 PM   #1287
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Wakeup? Yeah, that's the ticket.

Name:  clown.jpg
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Old 06-14-2013, 07:46 PM   #1288
I want either less corruption or more opportunity to participate in it.
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Illinois:
The Governor of Illinois is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks and kills the Governor's dog.
1. The Governor starts to intervene and the coyote bites him. He reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control.. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8 The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

Arizona:
The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her concealed carry pistol and keeps jogging.
The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards come along later and eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why Illinois is broke and Arizona is not.

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Old 06-14-2013, 09:24 PM   #1289
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KJG67 View Post
Illinois:
The Governor of Illinois is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks and kills the Governor's dog.
1. The Governor starts to intervene and the coyote bites him. He reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
2. He calls animal control.. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.
4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.
7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
8 The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

Arizona:
The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.
1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her concealed carry pistol and keeps jogging.
The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
2. The Buzzards come along later and eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why Illinois is broke and Arizona is not.
So very sad, but so very true. Life in LibLand sux delux ...
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Old 06-15-2013, 02:32 PM   #1290
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The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.

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