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Old 05-09-2013, 11:12 PM   #1251
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Q. How do get an Occupier to protest Capitalism ?
A. Pay him to attend a demonstration .


Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.

Q. Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their blood type.

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A. Pleasing


How are men like public toilets?
All the good ones are taken and the rest are full of ****.

What are the most common last words for a redneck?
"Hey yall, watch this!"

How do you hide money from a hippie?
Put it under a bar of soap or a job application.

How many stoners does it take to change a light bulb?
DUDE! the light burned out? damn... *pause* wait, what were we talking about?

Did you hear about the computer programmer who starved to death in the shower? The shampoo directions said "Wash, rinse, repeat."


Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

A: His wife died.

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?

A: They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
3 Irish men sitting on the floor, one fell off.

1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

2. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn't find any.

3. They had a female Santa Claus downtown last Christmas but the deal was that she sits in your lap and you tell her what you want .

4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 dollars that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on that."

11. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What! Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.
"How's that?"
"Now don't YOU start."

14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's
Colin.

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

20. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine'. That was so nice."
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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.

I saw Elvis. He sat between me and Bigfoot on the UFO.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.

A procrastinator's work is never done.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

If puns were outlawed, only outlaws would have puns.

I was the next door kid's imaginary friend.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

I'm an apathetic sociopath - I'd kill you if I cared.

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

What did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall? Damn

The difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know, and I couldn't care less...

Halitosis is better than no breath at all.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.


Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner
Sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself....unless, of course, I want to stay employed.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.

I have abandoned my search for truth, and am now looking for a
good fantasy.

Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.

I feel much better, now that I’ve given up hope.

All I want is a warm bed and a kind word, and unlimited power.

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days
attack me at once.

We've been through so much together -- and most of it was your
fault.

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and a song in my
heart. What scares me is that it was a Barry Manilow song.

Some see things that are and ask why.
Some dream of things that aren't and ask why not.
Some people don't have time for all that crap.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate mother****ers.

When I die, I want to die in my sleep, like my grandmother. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in her car.


What did one palestinian woman say to the other palestinian woman?
Does this bomb make my ass look fat?

What did the Italian say when his cheese factory exploded?

Gouda grief-a!
*runs*
Oh my god, I Camembert it!

ok a homosexual, a pedophile and a priest walk into a bar, but thats JUST the first guy...

What's the difference between dark and hard?
It stays dark all night.
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If doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insane, then my cat must be off the wall bonkers.

I like to think of lesbians as bi-sexually challenged.

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is ****ing her



Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.


Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.


Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.


Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when
it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the
house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.


Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.


Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

So, a baby seal walks into a club...

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Old 05-09-2013, 11:59 PM   #1252
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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad.. As ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a £5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Democrat! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!

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Old 05-10-2013, 12:32 AM   #1253
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A newlywed couple wanted to join a church..

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable.

We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts. But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either.

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Old 05-10-2013, 04:43 AM   #1254
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat View Post
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church..

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable.

We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts. But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either.
That's funny lol
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Old 05-10-2013, 10:43 AM   #1255
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church..

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable.

We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts. But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either.
Man, I laughed out loud at this one!
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Old 05-10-2013, 06:17 PM   #1256
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Football Season
I KNOW MANY OF YOU (LIKE ME) ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO FOOTBALL SEASON. WELL, HERE'S A RECAP OF LAST YEAR.........

Coincidence??

Just wondering!

Alabama beat Arkansas
and they fired the coach.

Alabama beat Tennessee
and they fired the coach.

Alabama beat Auburn
and they fired the coach.

Then Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope resigned...

I wish the White House had a team.

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Old 05-10-2013, 09:16 PM   #1257
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Auburn = Alabama Usually Beats Us 'Round November

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Old 05-11-2013, 01:58 PM   #1258
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tri70 View Post
Football Season
I KNOW MANY OF YOU (LIKE ME) ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO FOOTBALL SEASON. WELL, HERE'S A RECAP OF LAST YEAR.........

Coincidence??

Just wondering!

Alabama beat Arkansas
and they fired the coach.

Alabama beat Tennessee
and they fired the coach.

Alabama beat Auburn
and they fired the coach.

Then Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope resigned...

I wish the White House had a team.
They have two : Army & Navy!
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"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States
Practice does NOT make perfect. Practice makes permanent. Only perfect practice makes perfect.

Check out 5th FTF Shoot & Hoot.http://www.firearmstalk.com/forums/f138/5th-ftf-shotgun-shoot-hoot-vanzant-mo-apr-11-12-2015-a-109479/

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Old 05-12-2013, 06:44 AM   #1259
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An old couple walks into a doctor's office. They tell the doctor that their memories are not what they used to be and they fear they are getting Alzheimer's. After some testing, the doctor tells the couple that they have nothing to fear. Their memory is not quite what it used to be, but it's not Alzheimer's. He suggests they keep little notebooks with them and keep notes to help them remember things. Relieved, the couple goes home.
Later that evening they are watching tv and the husband gets up to go to the kitchen. His wife asks him where he's going and he tells her that he's getting some ice cream, would she like some. She says yes, to get her chocolate with whipped cream. Then she says "you better write it down". He says "don't worry, I'll remember". She then asks for sprinkles and again suggests he write it down but again he refuses. She then asks for a cherry on top and again tells him to write it down but once again he refuses.
So he goes into the kitchen and a short while later he comes out and gives her bacon and eggs.
She looks at her plate and says "you forgot my toast".

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Old 05-16-2013, 06:54 PM   #1260
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Check this video out.


http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=fvwrel&v=IouUsPsUg4Y#

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