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Old 04-27-2013, 11:40 PM   #1231
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EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:



'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.



Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'


'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

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Old 04-28-2013, 04:13 AM   #1232
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Every day, there is a man who sits in the corner booth at a penthouse bar.
One particular day, a young man comes in through the door. Feeling lucky, he exclaims, "I am feeling lucky, I'll take anyone's bet." The young man in the corner stands up, finishes his scotch, and staggers over to the young man. "I'll bet you that I can jump out of this window and then walk down from the roof access. Fifty bucks."
"You've got a deal mister." He proceeds to jump out of the window, only to a few seconds later walk in from the roof access. The young man is flabbergasted and hands over the $50. "Hundred bucks says you can't do it again."
And the other man proceeds to jump out of the window, and then again walks in from the roof. The young man gets overconfident and tries to do it himself, thinking that there must be some catch. He falls thirteen stories to his death. The older man orders another scotch from the bartender and returns to his corner booth.
The bartender says to him, "Superman, you're an prick when you're drunk."

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Old 04-29-2013, 11:58 AM   #1233
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One day a guy was driving down the street and had a tire blow out right by a fence that bordered the state insane asylum. An inmate was standing at the fence watching. The driver got out of his vehicle, opened the trunk, and got out the jack. He jacked up the car, used his lug wrench and removed the flat. He put a bowl down on the ground and put the lug nuts in it to make sure they didn't get lost. Then he got the spare out of the trunk and slid it into place. When he turned around to pick up the lug nuts, he accidentally kicked the bowl and all 5 lug nuts rolled out and fell down a storm drain that was nearby. The poor driver was totally flabbergasted. The asylum inmate was still watching. Then the driver said to the inmate, "Man, I'm really stuck now. I'm supposed to be at a meeting in 20 minutes and it's going to take an hour just to get a service truck here". The nuthouse inmate looked at him, then said, "Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other 3 wheels and use the 3 to hold your spare on that wheel?" The driver was embarrassed, and said, "Wow, I never would have thought of that. If you are that smart, why in the world are you an inmate in the asylum?" The inmate said, "Well, I may be crazy, but I'm not STUPID".

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Old 04-30-2013, 12:25 AM   #1234
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Default Southern Law

-Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

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Old 05-01-2013, 03:04 AM   #1235
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.


A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.



He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

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Old 05-01-2013, 12:07 PM   #1236
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A pome:

Early one morning
When the sun was red
I awoke from my slumber
And rose from my bed
I went to the window
And looked out toward the shed
When along came a robin
With his breast of red
He perched upon my window sill
To beg a crust of bread
So I slammed down the window
And mashed his F***en head.

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Old 05-01-2013, 12:20 PM   #1237
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Here's two you can share with your kids:

1) An imbecile @ the asylum was being wheeled across the grounds by a nurse, when a low flying crow pooped on the imbecile's leg. The nurse in a slight panic said,"I'll go get some toilet paper!" The imbecile replied,"By the time you get back, that crow will be long gone!"

2) During the asylum's fieldtrip to a strawberry farm, the imbecile asked the farmer what he put on his strawberries. The farmer replied,"Why, we put manure on them of course." The imbecile replied,"Ha, Ha, we put cream and sugar on ours!"

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Old 05-01-2013, 12:35 PM   #1238
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Two old Jewish merchants, Herbie and Max, who have been friends for decades decide to retire and celebrate together in grand fashion. They both agree that sailing on the Titanic's maiden voyage is just the ticket. They book luxury cabins and as we all know, things go south from there quickly

In the aftermath of the sinking, Herbie is in a lifeboat and frantically looking and calling out for his lifelong friend Max! "Max, I'm here." "Max, it's herbie, are you out there?" "Max, Max, where are you?"

Off in the distance, in the morning gloaming and mist, Herbie sees an arm waving and faintly hears, "Herbie, Herbie, it's Max, I'm over here!"

"Max, my friend, I'm here. Can you float alone?", asks Herbie.

Max replies, "Herbie this is no time to talk finances!"

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Old 05-01-2013, 07:39 PM   #1239
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The Ultimate Quote of the Day
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of s@&t."

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Old 05-04-2013, 02:48 AM   #1240
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...went to visit my buddy Earl up in the country for the first time. We're sitting in rocking chairs on his front porch, his old mother on the far end and his hound dog at our feet. Earl lets one rip, a real window shaker. The dog jumps up and goes THROUGH the screen on the front door and down the road like greased lightning. I say, "Damn Earl, the hell got into that dog?" Earls says, "Momma cain't hear to good and ever time she smells sh|t she beats hell out of that dog".

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