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Old 04-17-2013, 02:24 PM   #1221
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Originally Posted by Rentacop View Post
1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?

2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

3. How did a fool and his money get together?

4. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

5. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

6. What's another word for thesaurus?

7. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

8. What do they use to ship styrofoam?

9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

10. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

11. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

14. Does fuzzy logic tickle?

15. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

17. "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."

18. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

19. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

20. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

21. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

22. Is it possible to be totally partial?

23. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

24. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

25. Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

26. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

27. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

28. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

29. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

30. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

31. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

32. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

33. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

34. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

35. Why is the word abbreviation so long?

36. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

37. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "how do you drive this thing?"
You repeated 2 of your joke Qs hehe
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Old 04-17-2013, 11:20 PM   #1222
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Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar.

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

But, "how do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that..
$10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."
A bad day at the range is better then a good day on the job!
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Old 04-18-2013, 11:24 AM   #1223
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Tragic Crash

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field. The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you know how them politicians lie."
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Old 04-18-2013, 07:30 PM   #1224
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My first lame contribution
4 Husbands
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it)

She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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Old 04-18-2013, 07:43 PM   #1225
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That's hilarious, stratrider!

Good one!
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Old 04-22-2013, 01:17 PM   #1226
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Thought this one's funny.
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Old 04-22-2013, 01:54 PM   #1227
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Originally Posted by rickster View Post
Attachment 97361

Thought this one's funny.
"Your fear is 100% dependent on you for it's survival." - Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free
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Old 04-22-2013, 04:09 PM   #1228
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Made me laugh
image-4166776132.jpg   image-3974288421.jpg  
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Old 04-24-2013, 12:30 AM   #1229
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." 2nd Amendment to the Constitution of the United States
Practice does NOT make perfect. Practice makes permanent. Only perfect practice makes perfect.
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Old 04-24-2013, 12:46 PM   #1230
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A fellow walks into a bar and asks for a beer with considerable difficulty due to a bad stutter,, later he orders another in the same manner. The barkeep tells him that he once had a bad stutter himself and maybe the remedy he received could hel him. The man excitedly asks what he did to cure the condition, the barkeep tells him that he had his wife give him oral sex every hour, on the hour for 24 hours,, that cured it. A few weeks later the same man comes back to the tavern and asks for a beer with the same heavy stutter, the barkeep asks him if he tried the remedy,, he says he did and the barkeep tells him he is sorry it didn't work, the man tells him that it's ok and that the barkeep has a really nice home.
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