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Old 04-15-2013, 03:02 AM   #1211
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A man went to church one day and afterward
he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.

He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a

damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said,

'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No ****?'

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Old 04-15-2013, 01:34 PM   #1212
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One fine Sunday the preacher was preaching about Noah.

The preacher said: "The Lord said 'I'm gonna bring up a great storm'".
The old deacon said: "A-a-men".
The preacher said: "The Lord said 'I'm gonna make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights'".
The old deacon said: "A-a-men."
The preacher said: "The Lord said 'I'm gonna cause a great flood'".
The old deacon said: "A-a-men".
The preacher said: "And the Lord said 'I'm gonna kill every living creature that walks on the face of Earth'".
The old deacon said: "Gah-ah-ah-d Damn!"

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Old 04-15-2013, 03:38 PM   #1213
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Charlie walked up to his boss at the sawmill. Said "Bossman, I need to take a day off from work next month."

Bossman said "What for, Charlie?"

Charlie said "I've got to go to my Uncle's funeral end of next month."

Bossman said "Charlie- the END of next month? How is that?"

Charlie said "Well, that is when he is gonna die- so I need time off for the funeral."

Bossman laughed. "Charlie- NOBODY knows the exact date they are going to die. Who told your Uncle he was going to die on that day?"

Charlie said "Judge Wilson- down at the courthouse, yesterday."

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Old 04-15-2013, 05:18 PM   #1214
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A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!
We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

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Old 04-15-2013, 08:02 PM   #1215
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Thought this was good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=kI4yoXyb1_M#!

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Old 04-16-2013, 12:24 AM   #1216
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Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

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Old 04-17-2013, 04:20 AM   #1217
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How did the fat lady cross the road?

She got hit by a truck............

Something my friend and I say every now and again to mess with each. Got another one.( but may have already been told).

One day a little boy was walking into Walmart. As he was approaching the entrance, a speeding Budweiser truck came around a parking lot curve and tipped over onto the boy. Many witnesses thought the boy was certainly dead, but after a few minutes he crawled out from the wreckage. "How did he survive???????" you ask.................

It was light beer........... :-)

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Old 04-17-2013, 04:33 AM   #1218
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Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Old 04-17-2013, 02:55 PM   #1219
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Homesick Snowbird:

I was in Ft. Myers, Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:

"I miss Chicago"

So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker, and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

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Old 04-17-2013, 03:18 PM   #1220
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A little boy was pestering his teenage sister and her boyfriend. After he has had enough, the boyfriend reached into his pocket and gave the little brother a quarter, and said, "Here you go junior, go get yerself 25 cents worth of 'what's what'."

The boy gladly took the quarter and ran off to spend it.

He stopped at the hardware store and asked the owner for a quarter's worth of "what's what". The owner said he didn't have any "what's what" and told the kid to scram.

Next he stopped at the general store and asked the ownwe for a quarter's worth of "what's what" and was promptly told they did carry any "what's what" and was sent on his way.

After several more stops and being told no, no, no "what's what" the little boy walked dejectedly back toward home and stopped to rest on the front step of a neighbors home.

The woman of the house came to the door wearing only a translucent negligee, the little boy looked up at her, scanning up and down her curves and nether regions.

Curious, the little boy asked, "What's that," pointing at her privates.

"What's what," she asked?

"I'll take a quarter's worth, please!"

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