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Old 03-30-2013, 01:51 AM   #1201
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1. If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?



2. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?



3. How did a fool and his money get together?



4. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?



5. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?



6. What's another word for thesaurus?



7. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?



8. What do they use to ship styrofoam?



9. Why is abbreviation such a long word?



10. Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?



11. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?



12. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?



13. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?



14. Does fuzzy logic tickle?



15. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?



16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?



17. "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."



18. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?



19. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?



20. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?



21. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?



22. Is it possible to be totally partial?



23. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?


24. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?


25. Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?


26. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?


27. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?


28. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?


29. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?


30. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?


31. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?


32. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?


33. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?


34. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?


35. Why is the word abbreviation so long?


36. When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?


37. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

two fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says "how do you drive this thing?"

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Old 03-30-2013, 03:54 PM   #1202
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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES. '



You must now refer to them as

APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS.

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Old 03-30-2013, 03:56 PM   #1203
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Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You s@#t in the bed!"

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Old 03-30-2013, 04:38 PM   #1204
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(911) What is your emergency?

(Hunter) My partner just fell out of the tree stand. I'm pretty sure he's dead.
(911) Check his pulse and make sure he's dead.
(Two gunshots)
(Hunter) Okay, he's dead.

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Old 03-30-2013, 05:15 PM   #1205
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A magician was on stage doing his act, when he called for a volunteer from the audience. So a man volunteered and went up on stage. There was a 16 pound sledgehammer sitting on stage next to a cement block. The magician told his volunteer to pick up the sledgehammer and break the block apart, so the audience would know the sledgehammer was real.

So, the man swung the sledgehammer with all his might & shattered the cement block. Next, the magician now told the man to hit him square in the face with the sledgehammer.

The man was horrified; he said, "No way. It'll probably kill you."
The magician insisted that the man hit him in the face, saying, "I'll be fine. I promise you — go ahead."

The man swung the sledgehammer at the magicians face. He struck the magician, knocking him flat on the ground.

After 6 months in a coma in the hospital, the magician was lying in the hospital bed. One eye opened, the fingers flexed a bit, the other eye opened, and the magician sat straight up and said, "Ta-da!"

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Suggested gun control movement talking point: "We're OK with guns to keep our families safe, we just don't want you to have them." - Joe

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Old 03-31-2013, 08:12 AM   #1206
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rentacop
And Then the Fight Started :
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I
bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________________________

My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' while we were in
bed....

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been
sober since."

"My God", I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"

And then the fight started...
_______________________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first; the shed, the boat, making beer - always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.>
________________________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's
on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started.
________________________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped
quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to
back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I
cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started.
________________________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She
said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.
________________________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she
processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might
have gotten disability too."

And then the fight started.
________________________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy
with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and
ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started.
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Those are great...thanks!
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Old 04-07-2013, 04:44 PM   #1207
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DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER:



Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your ' Ferrari?

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Old 04-07-2013, 04:48 PM   #1208
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I like that one. Reminds of a kid smoking in the park. I told him that was a bad habit that could take years off of his life.

"My Grandpa lived to be a hundred" he snapped.
"And did he smoke?" I asked.
"No! But he minded his own business!

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Old 04-07-2013, 04:49 PM   #1209
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A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured... he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in West Virginia , but you're not in the mines anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing..

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Old 04-07-2013, 04:55 PM   #1210
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Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The
last question was

'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.'

The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7 ) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the
ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

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