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Old 03-14-2013, 04:51 PM   #1191
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Old Occupy Humor :

1) The Occupy Wall Street movement is similar to a custom Harley ; intended
> more to make noise than progress .
>
> 2) With so much excrement piling up at these Wall St. protests, defecation
> on a police car,sh__t thrown at police....At least now we know what they
> meant when they referred to a " movement " .
>
> 3) Occupy Wall Street organizers asked women not to report rapes to the
> police. Yeah, those women should know this isn't a tea party !
>
> 4) No objectives. No definition of victory. No clear plan for
> winning, or even an exit strategy . This Occupy protest isn't like the Vietnam
> protests ; its like the Vietnam War .
>
> 5) Maybe the protestors have a point . Wall Street has contributed more to
> Obama's campaign than to all of the Republicans combined . Now be honest :
> Would you trust these people with your money ?

6) Latest Gabby Giffords updates are provided at the end of every AP story involving guns . How about an update on the 30 or so police officers seriously injured by the Occupy demonstrators ?
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Old 03-14-2013, 04:54 PM   #1192
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What do Obama and Osama have in common ? Answer : They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon . ( Bill Ayers, Bernadette Dohrn ) .
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Old 03-23-2013, 08:27 PM   #1193
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And Then the Fight Started :
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I
bought you last year!"


And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________________________

My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' while we were in
bed....

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
________________________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order
first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....
________________________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby
table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been
sober since."

"My God", I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"

And then the fight started...
_______________________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first; the shed, the boat, making beer - always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a
short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.>
________________________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's
on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started.
________________________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped
quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to
back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I
cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started.
________________________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She
said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.
________________________________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me", and she
processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social
Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might
have gotten disability too."

And then the fight started.
________________________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy
with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and
ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started.
________________________________________________
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Old 03-23-2013, 11:00 PM   #1194
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Paddy was in New York ..

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
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Old 03-23-2013, 11:00 PM   #1195
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
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Old 03-24-2013, 01:35 PM   #1196
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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
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Old 03-24-2013, 05:46 PM   #1197
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A horny young lady named Sherry
Made love to each Tom, Dick and Harry,
Frank, Gerald and Ben,
Then Harry again,
And the crew of the liner Queen Mary.
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Old 03-24-2013, 09:41 PM   #1198
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There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...



A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Honey", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?
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Old 03-29-2013, 11:23 PM   #1199
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" Why shouldn't you use Crisco to lubricate a condom ?"

Because Crisco is shortening .
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Old 03-29-2013, 11:27 PM   #1200
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So a Priest and a pedafile walk into a bar, and that's just the first guy! *badaba ching*
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"To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Samuel Goldwyn

I used to date a midget. I was nuts over her!

What's the last thing a drummer says when he's in a band?
Hey fellas, I wrote a couple of songs...

How do roadies know the stage is level?
There's drool coming out of both side of the drummers mouth.

And one from somewhere else:
How do you get a bass player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

So this cop stops a guy who was speeding. He says "Excuse me sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but i know where i am!"

Q: What's the difference between a stick-up and a hold-up?
A: Age

Q: What did the seven dwarfs say when the prince awakened Snow White?
A: “I guess it’s back to jerking off.”

A woman asks her husband, “Do you love me only because my father died and left me a fortune?”
“Of course not,” he says. “I’d love you no matter who left you the money.”

Q: what (3) (2)-letter words mean small?
A: is it in

Did ja hear about the redneck fortune cookie?
It's a piece of cornbread with a food stamp baked inside.

Q. What do you call a mexican who got his car stolen?
A. Car-los

Q. What do you call 2 mexicans playing basketball?
A. Juan-on-Juan

Q. What do you call a mexican with no car?
A. Juaquin

Confucious on baseball: "Man with four balls cannot walk."

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's

"How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."



To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little._____
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
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