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Old 01-10-2011, 01:01 PM   #111
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Default Today is kind of lame...

But, you only notice when the "check engine light is out"! (Like Homer
Simpson) by placing a piece of duct tape over the light! (The most common
reason for this in older cars is a bad oxygen sensor like mine after 18 yrs
when replaced with a new one cured the problem)!

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Old 01-14-2011, 10:37 PM   #112
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Default It's cold today

I just got off the phone with friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

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Sorry - this was too funny not to pass on to you. Especially since I use to actually live in North Dakota near the Canadian border.

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Old 01-14-2011, 10:42 PM   #113
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Default Aliens and the gas station

Two aliens landed in the Texas desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'

'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never screw with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

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Old 01-16-2011, 09:20 PM   #114
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Default

Is sex work?

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50-50%.

A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?



"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."



The room fell silent ...







God Bless the enlisted man.

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Old 01-16-2011, 09:47 PM   #115
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Default Old Guys

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around and I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying much attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. What a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

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Old 01-17-2011, 11:25 PM   #116
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Default The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked.."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

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Old 01-18-2011, 12:44 AM   #117
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Default joke

a little boy was in walmart when someone caught his attention .... is there somethin on your mind son? asked the man . are you a real cowboy? asked the boy. yep...why do you ask? is my hat? my bandana? my vest ?...no replied the boy ...why are you wearing high top air jordans instead of boots? the cowboy replied : so people wont confuse me with a truck driver!

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Old 01-18-2011, 06:42 AM   #118
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Default You might be a redneck if...

You need both hands to flush the toilet! Well, if you forget to leave a faucet
running you might have the same problem when the temperature goes "sub-zero"! And have to flush the toilet with water brought in from the yard
hydrant! An outhouse starts to sound like a very good option @
that point!

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Old 01-20-2011, 10:31 AM   #119
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Default You might be a redneck if...

Vehicles that enter your yard rarely leave!

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Old 01-21-2011, 04:53 AM   #120
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Default

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk ...

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

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