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Old 03-09-2013, 05:13 PM   #1171
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My sources are good today!

This one reminds me of an old story about a young couple who had just become part of the ambassador corps.

They attended their first State dinner and the young lady was seated next to an oriental diplomat.

She attempts to make small talk conversation without much luck.

Finally she asks “When did you have your last election”

He smiles and replies “Ahh, just beflor bleakfast”

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Old 03-09-2013, 05:29 PM   #1172
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NO SEX Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

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Old 03-09-2013, 09:25 PM   #1173
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The children were gathered on the front pew one Sunday morning for the Children's Sermon. The minister asked, "Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"

One little boy blurted out, "I'm not quite sure but I do know that if you have a resurrection that lasts longer than four hours, you have to see a doctor."

It took about ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough to continue with the worship service.

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Old 03-10-2013, 05:25 AM   #1174
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Little Johnnie’s father took him to class his first day of school. Johnnie’s dad pulled the teacher aside and told her, Johnnie has a bad gambling problem so don’t make a bet with him you can’t win. The teacher agreed.

When the teacher was passing out the text books Johnny said, teach I’ll make a bet with you, she replied ok what?

Johnny said I’ll bet you fifty dollars I can tell you what color panties you have on. She agreed and told him after the last bell he was to stay in the room and then he could guess.

While Johnny and the class were at recess the teacher took her panties off and put them in her purse. When school was out Johnny stayed in the classroom and the teacher locked the door and said okay Johnny what color are they? He replied yellow. So the teacher raised her dress and said no you are wrong, I’m not wearing any.

Johnny asked her to walk him out to his dads car and he would get her money. So as Johnny passed his dad going to the car the teacher told his dad that Johnny finally got beat. He said what do you mean??

She said Johnny bet me fifty dollars he could tell me what color panties I had on so I took them off.

The father replied that son of a bitch he bet me a hundred dollars he could see your ***** before the end of the day.

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Old 03-10-2013, 05:26 AM   #1175
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If you have sex 365 days a year in 12 months and took all the Rubbers and melted them down to make a tire what would you have?


A f&@king Goodyear!!

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Old 03-11-2013, 03:18 PM   #1176
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A new commercial

http://www.mrctv.org/sites/default/files/embedcache/119755.html

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"They're on our right, they're on our left, they're in front of us, they're behind us; they can't get away from us this time." Lt. Gen. Chesty Puller, USMC, Chosin Reservoir, Korean War

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Old 03-11-2013, 04:01 PM   #1177
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Definition- Auditor: One who sits in the stern of the boat, and points out all of the rocks you missed.

Definition- Divorce Attorney: One who shows up when the battle is lost. Bayonets the wounded, strips the bodies of the dead.

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Old 03-12-2013, 02:47 AM   #1178
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So today I got asked by girl how big my dick was I said unfortunately I've had to have plastic surgery to shorten it

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Old 03-12-2013, 02:54 AM   #1179
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AIKIJUTSU View Post
A new commercial

http://www.mrctv.org/sites/default/files/embedcache/119755.html

--
"They're on our right, they're on our left, they're in front of us, they're behind us; they can't get away from us this time." Lt. Gen. Chesty Puller, USMC, Chosin Reservoir, Korean War

Now that's funny!! lol
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Old 03-12-2013, 03:23 AM   #1180
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Why is it that every time I go to wallmart I have to take a crap?
So I'm in the stall at wallmart, minding my own, when a voice comes from the next stall over.
"Hey, whats up man?" I reply "Um, not much"
"What are you doing right now? "Uh, dropping the kids off at the pool"
"You mind if I come over? "dude, I'm kinda busy right now"

"Hey man, I gotta call you back, some idiot in the stall next to me is answering all my questions."



So I'm installing cable in this little old lady's house, Setting up her internet when I notice this bowl of almonds. So I eat a few, then a few more and as I'm about to wrap up, I realize I had eaten the whole bowl! Well the old lady comes back in the room, I tell her I'm done and that I'm so sorry but I ate all her almonds. She looks at me and says "oh, your alright. Since I lost my teeth, it's all I can do but to suck the chocolate off them."



Sorry if they have been said before, I lost interest about 12 pages into this thread.

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