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Old 02-25-2013, 02:23 AM   #1151
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember which I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
Very funny laughed out loud to myself on a few of them
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Old 02-25-2013, 06:31 PM   #1152
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat View Post
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember which I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
Truth hurts.

Quote:
Originally Posted by TNARG View Post
Very funny laughed out loud to myself on a few of them
I did too, but only because it is all true!
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- Mohandas Gandhi, an Autobiography, page 446.
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Old 02-25-2013, 11:11 PM   #1153
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Went to my girlfriends house and see her sister on the couch and she says sit down she will be back soon. Then says want to have sex befor she gets back. I get off the couch and head for the door. I was met at the door by my girlfriend saying i have her complete trust. Moral of the story keep your condoms in your car.

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Old 02-27-2013, 02:22 AM   #1154
I want either less corruption or more opportunity to participate in it.
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Sorry if this was posted elsewhere already, but thought this was the appropriate forum to post this video. Especially love the ending.

Humorous: Women Take Joe Biden's 'Buy a Shotgun!' Advice

http://youtu.be/jafkVM-jnbE

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Old 02-27-2013, 12:04 PM   #1155
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LOL!! I laughed 'til the tears were running down my face!

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Old 02-27-2013, 02:06 PM   #1156
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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple
nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew
facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought
about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting
kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy
deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here
is the reason for my conclusion: A year or so after giving birth, a
woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would
like another kick in the nuts."

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Old 02-27-2013, 02:31 PM   #1157
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I was taking a break from working on the clothes washer one afternoon, took a cold beer, walked out and sat at the picnic table in the shade. My lady wanted to get some exercise, so she had grabbed the small lawnmower, and was trimming around the flower beds.

The neighborhood nosy old biddy was passing by, and noted me sipping a beer while my lady mowed the lawn.

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself, you lazy bum? Making your poor wife mow the lawn while you sit and drink beer!"

"Not at all- she wanted to let me rest for a while."

"Hmppphhh! A likely story- you should be HUNG!"

"I am, lady- rather nicely. That's why she is cutting the grass and letting me rest."


She never spoke to us after that, so I'll put that in the WIN category.....

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Old 02-27-2013, 04:58 PM   #1158
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A few chuckles during these stressful times!

==========================================

A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our
country is in trouble.

And we wonder why they can't agree on a budget?

**********************

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her
hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information,
then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is
in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since
Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin
state!" (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see
England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the
map."
(OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car
in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour
layover in Dallas.

When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a
big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time."
(Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how
it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am got to
Chicago at 8:33 am.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't
understand the concept of time zones.

Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said,
"No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my
luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was
laughing).
I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air
Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her
luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly
to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I
know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he
replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have
numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.
Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she
meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane.

She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed
in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I
reminded him that he needed a visa.
"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of
those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I
told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time
they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, "I want to go
from Chicago to Rhino, New York " I was at a loss for words.
Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady.
After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."

The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check
your map!"
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't
mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply?
"Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

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Old 02-28-2013, 02:29 PM   #1159
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Quote:
Originally Posted by c3shooter View Post
I was taking a break from working on the clothes washer one afternoon,
Your clothes washer doesn't also happen to mow the lawn and do the dishes, does she?
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Old 03-02-2013, 01:19 AM   #1160
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Bob was sitting on a plane destined for Chicago’s O’Hare airport when a guy took the seat beside him.

The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What's the matter?" Bob asked.

"I've been transferred to Chicago, there are crazy people there.

They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life.

It's not as bad as the media says.

Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school.

It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you.

I've been worried to death.

But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it.

What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

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