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Old 02-16-2013, 01:36 PM   #1131
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Subject: 23 ADULT TRUTHS

1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the **** are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

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Old 02-16-2013, 01:47 PM   #1132
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Lmao, those were pretty good. Was having a bad day before I read this.

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Old 02-16-2013, 04:54 PM   #1133
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Man The pmag and laundry video had my ass on the floor .

Obama dies and goes to hell , upon his entrance satan exclaims that he has no room but since obama was so bad he has to stay . Satan then proceeds to tell obama that that he will let one person go and that obama can even choose who it is .
They open the 1st door and and see manson diving over and over again into a pool .
Bama says , No , I cant swim very good
next door has Al Gore breaking rocks with a hammer , over and over again
Bama says no , I have a bad shoulder
The 3rd door opens and there sits Bill Clinton spread our on a bed with Monica doing her thing
Oh yea says Obama , I can do this for eternity
Satan yells out , Monica your free to go

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Old 02-16-2013, 06:22 PM   #1134
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True story:
My ex wasn't able to mail off the child support, so she called to say she moneygramed it, and to give me the reference number.

Then she asked if we could "try again".

I laughed so hard I puked. Then it sank in what she just asked, and I puked again without laughing. Blah. Excuse me. I'm gonna puke again.

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Old 02-16-2013, 09:53 PM   #1135
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Trip, that is a bad way to purge the system.

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Old 02-16-2013, 10:21 PM   #1136
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Well, I've been sick too, so my stomach is already weak.

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Old 02-20-2013, 04:43 PM   #1137
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The "Papal Presence" has been getting a lot of attention lately. But it was a terrible shame what happened when the pope went to mount Olive: Popeye beat the crap out of him.

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Old 02-22-2013, 12:38 AM   #1138
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Default Ammo is hard to find!!!

Ammunition is getting really hard to find, but this morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo for my three rifles. On the way home I stopped at the gas station and this drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.


She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a trading sex for ammo?"

I thought it over for a few seconds and responded, "Well, what kind of ammo have you got to trade?"

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Old 02-22-2013, 01:05 AM   #1139
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What's the most important part of telling a joketiming.

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Old 02-22-2013, 04:27 PM   #1140
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Default Engineers....

A toothpaste factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections,however, the next three weeks were zero! The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."

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