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Old 01-24-2013, 05:44 AM   #1111
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VERY BRAVE MEN'S JOKES

1. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry her.
2.What's the difference between a woman and a battery?
A battery has a positive side.
3.Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Cause you can easily fit another pair of breasts there.
4.Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
5.Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
6.Why do women fake orgasms?
Cause they think men care.
7.How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
8.What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing she's already been told twice.
9.If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen what are you doing wrong?
You made her chain too long.
10.Why is a laundromat the wrong place to pick up women?
Cause if they can't afford a washing machine they'll probably be unable to support you.
11.If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door who do you let in first?
Your dog cause he'll shut up once you let him in.
12.Why do men pass more gas than woman?
Because women don't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

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Old 01-24-2013, 01:50 PM   #1112
I want either less corruption or more opportunity to participate in it.
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I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa ! Who knew?

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a mustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 40,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard."

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

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Old 01-24-2013, 02:00 PM   #1113
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Yesterday I was at my local Kroger buying a large bag of Purina
dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog. I was in the
check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did
she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her
that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I
added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet
and that the way that it works is, you load your pants pockets with
Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to
try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in
line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant
and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. Kroger won't let me shop there anymore. Better
watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world
to think of crazy things to say.

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Old 01-24-2013, 07:10 PM   #1114
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Default How much beer do you drink???

... In a bar ...
Lady: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes.

Lady: How much a day?

Man: About three six packs.

Lady: How much is a six pack?

Man: About $9.00.

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years.

Lady: So, one six pack costs $9.00, and you drink three six packs a day, that puts your spending each month at about $800. In one year, it would be about $10,000 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: If in one year you spend $10,000, not accounting for inflation, during the past 15 years your spending on beer has been about $150,000 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account, and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: OK. Do you drink?

Lady: No.

Man: So, where's your Ferrari?

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Old 01-24-2013, 09:57 PM   #1115
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Man walks into a bar and tells the bar tender I'd like a beer and you can give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink on me.

The bartender tells the guy that she's a lovely lady and a good customer of his and that he shouldn't insult her.

The man says he was sorry and to please tell the woman that he'd like to buy her a drink.

The bar tender walks over to the woman and tells her that the gentleman at the other end of the bar offered to buy her a drink and what will she have?

She replies I'll have a vinegar and water.

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Old 01-24-2013, 10:50 PM   #1116
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FARMER DAN DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.

THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . . THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY So CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT." "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

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Old 01-26-2013, 12:28 AM   #1117
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Ruger has introduced a new pistol....

Its called the "Congressman"

It doesnt work and you cant fire it

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Old 01-26-2013, 02:35 AM   #1118
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What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?


He gets taller!

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Old 01-26-2013, 02:44 AM   #1119
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What did the mime say when he crossed the road?

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Old 01-26-2013, 02:58 AM   #1120
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Quote:
Originally Posted by capto56 View Post
What did the mime say when he crossed the road?
What???????
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