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Old 01-14-2013, 01:19 PM   #1091
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A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

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Old 01-14-2013, 02:44 PM   #1092
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The Ex-wife

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks.

Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't".

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Old 01-14-2013, 03:05 PM   #1093
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Default The divorce......

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
Arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
Circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.

She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:

polish-remover.jpg  
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Old 01-17-2013, 11:11 PM   #1094
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TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOU ARE UNDER OBAMA'S NEW HEALTHCARE PLAN :

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter
the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a
day..."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill
last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a
typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'RE UNDER OBAMA'S NEW HEALTHCARE PLAN :
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.

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Old 01-17-2013, 11:12 PM   #1095
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I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.
Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

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Old 01-17-2013, 11:21 PM   #1096
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daoust_Nat View Post
I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.
Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
I LOVE this one!!!!!
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Old 01-18-2013, 01:54 AM   #1097
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We recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possible a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

Holy crap. The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's

cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!

I don't know what in hell was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.

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Old 01-18-2013, 03:41 AM   #1098
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A student or former student of Texas A&M University. Oft maligned in the great State of Texas and mostly deservedly so

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Old 01-18-2013, 10:28 AM   #1099
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Obama.....

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Old 01-18-2013, 10:30 AM   #1100
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^^ that's a joke I'm sure everyone's heard

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