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Old 12-31-2010, 12:57 AM   #101
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Old 12-31-2010, 01:56 AM   #102
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Yes, there actually is such a device, but here is the real one...

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Old 01-04-2011, 08:09 AM   #103
Ain't she sweet?
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Default This one's for "Gello

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska . He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees t-shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of the men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?""

Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go down to California and get another one?"

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Old 01-08-2011, 11:08 AM   #104
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Default You might be a redneck if...

You've deliberately killed a bug with a bottle rocket. (That would involve a
very good aim or giving a spider in a net a "wild ride")!

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Old 01-08-2011, 02:28 PM   #105
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Default Dubya, the Queen & Vlad

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.



When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

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Old 01-08-2011, 02:35 PM   #106
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Default PSA from the TSA

PSA from the TSA

Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security:


Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernia’s 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

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Old 01-08-2011, 05:49 PM   #107
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Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?



A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "give me a jack and...........coke".
The bartender says "what's up with the big pause?"
The bear replies "I've had them all my life".


An attractive man is jogging down the beach when he runs past a girl in a wheel chair, and she starts crying. The man stops and asked the girl what's wrong, she says "I'm 18, paralyzed, and never been hugged by a guy before." The guys smiles and hugs the girl and then continues to jog off. Again the girl starts crying only louder, the man turns around and asked what's wrong, she replies "I'm paralized at 18 years old and never been kissed before." The man rolls his eyes and kisses her on the cheek and runs off. The girls starts wailing this time, crying uncontrollably, and the man turns around and askes what wrong, she replies through sobs "I'm paralyzed at 18 and I've never been screwed by a guy." The man shakes his head and picks the girl up and carries her near the water, and tosses her in, and says "You're screwed now".

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Old 01-09-2011, 05:53 PM   #108
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Default Elk Sex

Two rednecks are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"

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Old 01-09-2011, 08:39 PM   #109
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A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"

She says, "I'd take half, then leave you."

"Excellent," he replies, "I won 12 bucks, here's $6, now get the hell out."

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Old 01-10-2011, 09:13 AM   #110
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lmao! That sounds like the kind of luck I have been experiencing lately! Thanks for the
"belly laugh"!!! (thumbup)!!!

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