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Old 12-17-2012, 11:55 PM   #1051
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With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family/friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well a few days ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had several glasses of beer/cocktails. Although I was feeling a little too jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage. I don't know what to do with it and if anyone has any ideas please let me know.

Happy Holidays to you all.
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Old 12-18-2012, 12:20 PM   #1052
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I'd just hang on to the cab, and drive it the next time I wanted to get plastered.
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Old 12-19-2012, 02:26 AM   #1053
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I showed up tp impound a a dui after I had been drinking , needless to say I kept my distance form the cop and kept the bullchitting to a minimum
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Old 12-19-2012, 04:28 PM   #1054
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A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
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Old 12-22-2012, 09:07 AM   #1055
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The following was copied from cop humor.....


Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
I want you to go out his weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever.
I'll see you back in court Monday".
Monday , the two guys were
in court; and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles like this..... O o ... and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. " And you , how did you
do? " the judge asked the second guy.
" Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?" asked the judge.
" Well, I used a similar approach (he draws two circles).... o O
"I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your butthole before prison......(pointing to the big circle) "this is your butthole in prison!"..
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Old 12-24-2012, 01:29 PM   #1056
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LONGHAIR View Post
Florida has so many strip clubs,They need to change their state flag to just a brass pole...
Do we dare ask how they would fly at half mast?
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Old 12-24-2012, 01:35 PM   #1057
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Balota View Post
Do we dare ask how they would fly at half mast?
There's strip clubs everywere he said. We fly at *full mast* all the time.
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Old 12-24-2012, 02:27 PM   #1058
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Car54 View Post
50th Anniversary



On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her
wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired
Marine and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looked up from his newspaper and said "Yes dear, I do. You wore
that same negligee the night we were married."

She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me
that night?"

He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the
life out of those boobs and screw your brains out."

She giggled and said "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty
years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say
tonight?"

He looked her up and down and said, " Mission accomplished."
And that's when the fight started!
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Old 12-24-2012, 02:43 PM   #1059
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shihan View Post
What do you get if you cross an Elephant with a Rhinoceros?



Elephino.
Wrong! Nancy Pelosi!
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Old 12-24-2012, 02:54 PM   #1060
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fireguy View Post
A man is sitting at home on their patio with his wife and he says, "I love you."



She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"



He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."
And that's when the fight started!
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