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Old 11-27-2012, 01:59 PM   #1041
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men JOKES

A LOT OF JOKES ABOUT BLONDE FEMALES FLOAT AROUND THE INTERNET BUT SOME MAY BE SURPRISED THAT THERE IS A WHOLE GROUP OF JOKES ABOUT MEN THAT MANY DO NOT SEE. ENJOY THIS OTHER SIDE OF THE COIN.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' Clemson !'

And they say blondes are dumb....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...... '.

------------ --------- -------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
--------- --------- --------- ----

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

---- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -------


Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

------------ --------- --------- --------- -------

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy. .

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe..

------------ --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

------------ --------- --------- --------- -------


While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.........

......then He made the earth round.

------------ --------- --------- --------- -------


Send this to at least five bright,funny women you know and make their day!

And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

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Old 11-27-2012, 02:03 PM   #1042
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After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared,
'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed
off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . .
Dern THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

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Old 11-27-2012, 02:05 PM   #1043
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tri70 View Post
While creating husbands, God promised women that good and ideal husbands would be found in all corners of the world.........

......then He made the earth round.

------------ --------- --------- --------- -------


Send this to at least five bright,funny women you know and make their day!

And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!
HAHA!! Joke's on you!! If you go by the religious standpoint, God made husbands/men first, since he made Eve specifically to be Adam's wife

Now. I've got some whistling to do. Then maybe I'll do some laundry. What setting do I use for "Ole Miss"? And can I mix that with "AE" and "Wrangler"?
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Old 11-30-2012, 01:16 AM   #1044
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Hostess Co. Divedens Divided

You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants shut down due to a workers' strike. But you may not have heard how It was split up. The State Department
hired all the Twinkies, the Secret Service hired all the HoHos, the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

Boy are we in Trouble!! LOL

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Old 11-30-2012, 01:31 AM   #1045
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THIS IS WHY WE LOVE LOGICAL OLD PEOPLE

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics' shop to have his truck fixed. They could not do it while he waited, so he said he did not live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling ... outside the store, he now had a problem, how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes, lady! I am carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens.”

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Old 12-03-2012, 12:20 PM   #1046
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Default Favorite animal.....

My Favorite Animal:
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

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Old 12-03-2012, 12:22 PM   #1047
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A little boy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked him to be quick. Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted. The teacher sat him down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. The boy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way. Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it". Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom. So two fellas go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Jon, "Well, did you find it?" Jon is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards"

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Old 12-06-2012, 01:57 AM   #1048
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A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal and an anti-hunter , purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA .

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down."

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Old 12-07-2012, 09:20 PM   #1049
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What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?

















































Okay then. You can go in the yard, stay the hell outta my bathroom.

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Old 12-07-2012, 11:22 PM   #1050
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what did the male rabbit say to the female rabbit?


"this wont take long did it?"

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