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Old 11-17-2012, 12:14 AM   #1031
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Three nuns were attending a yankees baseball game.

Three men were sitting directly behind them. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns, hoping they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "i think i'm going to move to utah. There are only 100 nuns living there."

then the second guy spoke up and said loudly, "i want to move to montana . There are only 5o nuns living there."

the third guy yelled, "i want to go to idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there."

the mother superior turned around, looked at the men,
and in a very sweet and calm voice said, "why don't you go to hell...there aren't any nuns there."

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Old 11-17-2012, 11:20 PM   #1032
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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was;.. but useless in a fight."

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Old 11-20-2012, 02:42 AM   #1033
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---- Effective Jan 1, 2013, aspirin will be taxed under the Obama-Care program.
The explanation was that they are white and they work. No other reason was given.........

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Old 11-20-2012, 02:51 AM   #1034
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vikingdad
---- Effective Jan 1, 2013, aspirin will be taxed under the Obama-Care program.
The explanation was that they are white and they work. No other reason was given.........
Does that mean cotton balls wont be found in tylenol anymore????
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Old 11-22-2012, 05:28 PM   #1035
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For Halloween next year I'm going to be Obama, and take candy from all the kids that went Trick or Treating, and give it to those that were too lazy to go.

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Old 11-25-2012, 03:07 AM   #1036
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blueguns View Post
For Halloween next year I'm going to be Obama, and take candy from all the kids that went Trick or Treating, and give it to those that were too lazy to go.
Sadly, that is probably reality!
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Old 11-25-2012, 03:08 AM   #1037
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T-Bone (aka, Old Dungus RED) and two cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it was a night of bravado, a night of tall tales..

Tom, the hand from Wyoming says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth!

'Ben, from Colorado, couldn't stand to be bested.. That's nothing, 'I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn't even get a belly ache.

'Old Dungus RED, from Texas remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals-- with his pecker....

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Old 11-26-2012, 10:53 PM   #1038
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

"See this f*****g badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge, show him your f*****g BADGE........ !

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Old 11-27-2012, 01:52 PM   #1039
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THESE
REALLY WORK!! I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!
...

AMAZING,
SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:




1.
AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO
HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2.
AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING
THE SINK.

3.
FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A
FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO
USE A TIMER.

4.
A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE
BUTTON.

5.
IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.

6.
YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE
THE DUCT TAPE.

7.
IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL
PROBLEM.


THOUGHT
for the day:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR
ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A
SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY'RE PUSHED DOWN THE
STAIRS.


SOME
ADDITIONAL ADVICE:
NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE
AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT

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"Work as if you were to live 100 Years, Pray as if you were to die To-morrow." --Benjamin Franklin

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Old 11-27-2012, 01:56 PM   #1040
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Default Opening day of deer season....

Opening Day of Deer Season
Check List Complete;
I scouted the area all summer . . . . .
I searched out the best location for my tree-stand . . .
. .
I set it all up a month ahead of time . . .
. .
I trailed the herd . . .
. .
I picked out a trophy buck .
. . . .
Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt . .
. .
Everything was in place . . .
. .
Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am . .
. . .
I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand . . .
. .
This was destined to be an epic hunt . . .
. .
As I approached my deer stand . . . . .

. . . . . I changed my mind; decided to go to church instead.

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