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Old 10-17-2012, 01:39 PM   #1001
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A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of crap!''
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Old 10-22-2012, 01:37 PM   #1002
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As we get older and visit the doctor more, this could come in handy.

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist whoshared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at
the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

The room erupted in applause.

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS.


We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
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Old 10-22-2012, 01:38 PM   #1003
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There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-breasted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. But she warned her to not to eat any of the green persimmons because they are so sour, they would make her mouth pucker up and she won't be able to talk properly for a while.

She agreed to try it.



The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said....

"Dew to thircumstanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon toothay."
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Old 10-22-2012, 02:27 PM   #1004
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There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-breasted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. But she warned her to not to eat any of the green persimmons because they are so sour, they would make her mouth pucker up and she won't be able to talk properly for a while.

She agreed to try it.



The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said....

"Dew to thircumstanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon toothay."
OUTSTANDING!!! LOL!
I wonder if she was fingering his organ when that happened???
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Old 10-22-2012, 09:04 PM   #1005
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Default Ouch!!!

Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been horrible... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.


Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!




Dear Ex-Husband:
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping; too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone! Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.


Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, THE RICH B**CH !
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

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Old 10-23-2012, 03:50 AM   #1006
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Don't know if Jeff Foxworthy wrote this, but in his spirit....

1. If you grow poppies and refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher and ammo, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim

3. If you have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon and pork unclean.
You may be a Muslim

5. If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim

7. If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

10. If your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim

11. If you find this offensive or racist and won't forward it.
You probably are a Muslim
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Old 10-23-2012, 11:48 AM   #1007
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vikingdad View Post
Don't know if Jeff Foxworthy wrote this, but in his spirit....

1. If you grow poppies and refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

2. If you own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher and ammo, but you can't afford shoes.
You may be a Muslim

3. If you have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

4. If you wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon and pork unclean.
You may be a Muslim

5. If you think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim

7. If you consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

9. If you have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

10. If your cousin is president of the United States .
You may be a Muslim

11. If you find this offensive or racist and won't forward it.
You probably are a Muslim
Sad part is you posted this in the wrong forum - - - this is not a joke!
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Old 10-23-2012, 07:44 PM   #1008
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An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get - Parkinson´s or Alzheimer's ?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of Scotch than to forget where you keep the bottle!"
Cheers!!!
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Old 10-23-2012, 11:09 PM   #1009
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Have we seen this one before?

What's the difference between an Obama Supporter and a Romney Supporter?

The Romney supporter signs the FRONT of the check.
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Old 10-24-2012, 01:36 AM   #1010
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A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States.� He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,�"Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby.� "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East.� I am not American."

He finally sees a�woman and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African woman checks her watch and says, "Probably at work.."
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