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Old 10-04-2012, 11:55 PM   #991
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How about this one..classic
IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says

Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and piss into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it.'

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Old 10-05-2012, 12:10 AM   #992
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fathead00
My friend told me this joke yesterday and I thought it was pretty funny.

What to you call the area between the p***y and the a**hole?

The driving range because that's where we hit our balls when we are f**king!! Haha
I've got a fairly similar one.

What do you call that area between a guys butthole and his hang-dang?

A "taint" because it taint his butt and it taint his hang-dang.
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Old 10-05-2012, 12:25 AM   #993
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kaido

I've got a fairly similar one.

What do you call that area between a guys butthole and his hang-dang?

A "taint" because it taint his butt and it taint his hang-dang.
ZG said the same thing!!
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Old 10-05-2012, 12:51 AM   #994
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fathead00

ZG said the same thing!!
Damn, so that was a double post? Lol
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Old 10-05-2012, 02:46 PM   #995
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Default Suicide bombers....

Two muslims died and went to heaven, one asked the other, hows your sex life now that you have all those virgins......Not so good he replyed, They just keep hollering BAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDD.......

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Old 10-07-2012, 10:12 PM   #996
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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"

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Old 10-10-2012, 11:13 PM   #997
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"What to you call the area between the p***y and the a**hole?"


Asked my wife that when my buddy was over sitting across from me, and she said the table!

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Old 10-10-2012, 11:15 PM   #998
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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them. Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball." The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat anything, but ever since he had to **** out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

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Old 10-13-2012, 02:20 AM   #999
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Daddy Long Legs

Stories about children and their views of the world are always touching.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two insects mating.

'Daddy, what are those two insects doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the insect on top?' she asked.
'A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well," she said, "that may be OK in California , but we're not having any of that crap in Texas !"

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Old 10-13-2012, 06:05 PM   #1000
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Farmer holding a sheep under his arm walks into his bedroom and stands over his wife in bed and says " this is the pig I've been sleeping with." The wife looks up amd says " that's a sheep dumba$$". The farmer says " shut the hell up,, I was talking to the sheep!".

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