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Old 09-11-2010, 11:47 AM   #1
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A recent car accident involving an elephant reminded me of an old Finnish
joke! A circus train derailed in a rural part of Finland & many of the animals
escaped, an elephant made its way to a farm many miles off the main road
owned by an elderly couple that had never traveled much beyond their parish.
The old woman was preparing lunch for her husband when she spotted a huge
unknown beast in her garden & called the sheriff about it pulling carrots up
with its tail! The sheriff asked "what is it doing with the carrots"! "She said,
sheriff...you've got to come see that for yourself"!!!:

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Old 09-11-2010, 09:48 PM   #2
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How did Burger King get Diary Queen pregnant?...He forgot to wrap his whopper...Why does a squirrle swim on it's back?To keep its nuts dry...Why don't blind men skydive?Because it scares the **** out of the dog... 2cowboys in the kitchen, which one is the real cowboy? The one on the Range...Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?..Because its finger licking good...Whats the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull? LIPSTICK...What do u do when your wifes staggering? SHOOT HER AGAIN>

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Old 09-14-2010, 06:02 AM   #3
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What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a woman yelling on the back porch?...The dog quits barking when you let it in. Why do all iraqi milatery men carry a piece of sand paper?... They need a map. How do you get 99 old ladies to say f##k at the same time? YELL ''Bingo''. A marine sniper was asked what he felt when he shot an enemy combatant? The marine sniper thought a second and replied ''RECOIL''.How do you say 'bad shot' in redneck?...vegetarian.

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Old 09-14-2010, 09:35 AM   #4
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Default Vegetarian?

Aka... "bad hunter/poor shot"...(Old American Indian word)!

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Old 09-14-2010, 11:11 AM   #5
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Whats the mating call of the blonde?..."I'm sooo drunk... How do you change a blonde's mind?... Buy her another beer. Why'd they call it pms?...cos mad cow disease was already taken. you know what I did before I married?...Anythind I wanted to.

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Old 09-19-2010, 08:14 PM   #6
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Whats the difference between a dog and a fox?...About five drinks... Whats black and brown and looks good on a Lawyer?...A Dobermanpinscher...Do u know the punishment for bigamy?..Two mother-in-laws...What has four legs and a arm?... A happy pit bull...Where can u find a good Lawyer?..IN the cemetery. What do u give a blonde that has everything?.PENICILLIN>

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Old 09-30-2010, 04:38 PM   #7
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How do you make a dishwasher into a snow blower?? Give the bitch a shovel... What does a blonde make best for dinner?? Reservations...

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Old 09-30-2010, 05:05 PM   #8
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What do you feed gay horses?...
haaaaaaaaayyy

why are pirates called pirates?...
They just arrrgghhhh!!

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Old 09-30-2010, 05:09 PM   #9
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So, blind man walks into a bar....wait let me get these out of the way....

Blind man walks into a bar...and says 'ouch!'

2 guys walk into a bar...sure you'd think one of them would have seen it

...now, where was I?...Oh yes, A blind man makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde "biker girl."
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional weight-lifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously Mister, Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
"Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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Old 09-30-2010, 11:00 PM   #10
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

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