Joke Of the Day
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers,
and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
A rather shop-worn blonde walked up to the old man sitting at the bar, leaned over, and whispered in his ear- "For fifty bucks, I'll do anything you can say in three words..."
The man pushed back from the bar, turned, looked her up and down, nodded, reached in his pocket and removed his wallet. He silently counted out a ten and a pair of twenties, pushed them down the bar to the blonde, and quietly but firmly said, "PAINT MY HOUSE".
And went back to his beer.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
An ATF officer stops at a ranch in Montana, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there.'
The ATF officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish....on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the ATF officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
'Your badge! Show him your badge!!! '
Obama went duck hunting in Alaska.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into Sarah Palin's field on the other side of her fence
As he climbed over the fence, Sarah drove up on her tractor and asked him what he was doing.
Obama responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell onto this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'
Palin replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'
The indignant Obama said, 'If you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'
Palin smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes here. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.''
Obama asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule?'
Sarah Palin replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'
Obama quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take a woman at this game. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
Sarah slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the Obama. her first kick planted the toe of her steel toed work boot into Obama's groin and dropped him to his knees.
Her second kick to the midriff sent the Obama's last meal gushing from his mouth.
Obama was on all fours when her third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
He summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, now it's my turn.'
Palin smiled and said , 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.'
Experience wins again
I just love Sarah. ;)
Whats the difference between the Redskins and a Dollar?
You can get 4 quarters out of a dollar.
What do you call 100 Armed Lesbians?
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