I laughed till I cried...
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Old 04-11-2013, 04:57 AM   #1
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Default I laughed till I cried...

Found this on Facebook:

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
· My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching..
· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
· I had no control over the drooling.
· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!

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“Somebody has to speak for these people. Y'all got on this boat for different reasons, but y'all come to the same place. So now I'm asking more of you than I have before. Maybe all. Sure as I know anything, I know this—they will try again. Maybe on another world, maybe on this very ground swept clean. A year from now, ten? They'll swing back to the belief that they can make people...better. And I do not hold to that. So no more runnin'. I aim to misbehave.” Mal Reynolds Serenity/Firefly

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Old 04-11-2013, 05:12 AM   #2
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That's funny as hell. I laughed my ass off reading that. Good stuff.

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Old 04-11-2013, 05:16 AM   #3
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LMFAO!!!! My wife and I were practically rolling on the floor. Well, I was rolling, I think she is searching for the testicles to claim the reward.

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Old 04-11-2013, 05:16 AM   #4
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LMFAO Funny!!! showed the story to the wife now she's LHFAO!!!

if there was best of the best stories, this is it!

thanky you! best laugh i've had all week!
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Old 04-11-2013, 05:17 AM   #5
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That is why only Doctors are allowed to administer "Shock Treatments".

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Old 04-11-2013, 06:04 AM   #6
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Taser+stupidity=pain. LMAO! Good one.

Here's a good one.

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Old 04-11-2013, 06:27 AM   #7
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LMFAO! Now that's some funny sh!t. I guess in his case stupid DID hurt.

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Old 04-11-2013, 09:49 AM   #8
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Holy crap that was funny....

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Old 04-11-2013, 10:38 AM   #9
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Oh my God, that right there is hilarious!

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Old 04-11-2013, 10:44 AM   #10
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OMG that was funny (Specially since I didnt do it!). Ive been an Electronics Technician for 30 years and had my share of Stunning contacts with High Voltage. Definitely gets your attention, makes you think twice about repeating it doesnt it?

I was learning my trade in the mid 80's in a TV shop and one day we got a phone call from a lady who's husband was trying to play TV fixer! Seems He Grabbed the "Big Red Wire" (Hi V dag) going up to the picture tube and it knocked him down and was still shaking on the floor, she wanted to know if he would be OK! My boss told her that he likely would be but should call a dr not a TV Shop if she was worried! Its only 10,000+ volts, luckily there is very little current or he would have been toast!

We often played capacitor games in the shop, charge them up and leave them sitting on the bench (just for fun), biggies make a hell of a pop when you ground them! Dont let little batteries fool you, its not the size of the battery that makes it hurt, its the capacitive storage and discharge that whacks you.

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