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Old 09-10-2010, 03:46 PM   #1
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Default How to Break Into Private Security....

I got this in an e-mail and found it posted on my other forum, some truth, thought I would share!

How to Break Into Private Security.

Shave your head and grow facial hair. Bonus points for a scraggly Taliban beard. Lets’ face it, when Abdul is lining up that RPG with your vehicle, and he sees that bad assed beard, he will tremble in fear and put down his weapons. This is a proven fact. Also, it will help you blend in with the locals. Because all the locals are 6 foot 2, 250 pounds, speak English, and wear Oakleys and body armor.

Buy Gucci kit. I know your company may issue you armor, but it’s probably crap. UN style blue vests are the corporate rage. Don’t go buy that crappy airsoft knockoff crap from China. Buy quality American made kit. Even if your company issues you good stuff, buy your own. It’s just cooler that way. Make sure to fit as many pouches and magazines on it as you can. Get molle pouches with molle on them so you can attach other molle pouches to them. The more the better. If you can’t fit in the door of your truck, cut the strap so the door opens wider. Can’t fit behind the wheel? Take out the seat and sit on ammo cans. That’s hard core.

Get tattoos. I’m talking a lot of them. All over your arms and neck. Make sure they have skulls, tribal emblems, guns, Chinese characters, and barbed wire, in them. That makes them cool, which in turn makes you cool, and scary. Abdul sees that dark black ink all over you and sh!ts his man jams. No way he’s going to fight that force. Huge crosses are always cool. Show everyone how devout of a Christian you are. Don’t put too much thought into the design, just pick something out of the book. Save that brainpower for the gym.

Steroids. Eat that sh!t for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Don’t worry about piss tests. Get some pencil necked admin geek to piss for you. Twenty bucks is a ton of cash for those TCN’s and you know they are clean for steroids.

Baseball cap. You need one and only one. Never change it or wash it. It needs to be sweat stained and covered with grime. Frayed edges and cool patches help. If you don’t have one, just grind a new one in the dirt for a while. Give it that “been there done that” look. The well gunner should be able to smell it when you’re driving.

Morale patches. If you suck and can’t cover all the available Velcro on your kit with pouches, cover it with morale patches. There should be at least on offensive word on each one. Skulls, religious references, and brand name knock offs, are always popular. Nothing says “professional” like a “Hey F@ck Face” patch.

Go to Thailand. Nothing says “I’m a winner” like paying a 16 year old to get laid. Better yet, get a Thai girlfriend. Support her, her husband, and her kids. Pay their rent and put braces on the crumb-snatchers. That way you always have a place to crash in country.

Go to the gym. Every chance you get. Wear muscle shirts to show off your tribal tat covered guns. Grunt loudly so everyone knows how hard you are working. If it sounds like a porno, you’re doing it right. Stare at yourself in the mirror and check out that ass. Remember, when your boss sees how much effort you’re putting into the gym, you will definitely get that team lead position.

Buy a new house. Your wife and her future husband need a good place to raise your kids. Make sure that the payments are at least 25% of your monthly paycheck.

Buy a new car and motorcycle. Don’t puss out and get a Corolla. Get an F-350 Super cab four wheel drive with the biggest Diesel they offer. Get a Harley. Anything but a Sportster will work. I don’t care if you never rode before, you need a Harley. Keep them in the garage of that McMansion that you bought so your wife’s boyfriend can borrow them.

Spend all your money. You’ll get more in 28 days. Don’t save anything. It doesn’t matter that you have no retirement plan and social security will be non-existent when you are old. You can always start saving next year. This sh!t is tax free after all. Why should you save for tax payments?

Buy an iPod. Sh!t, buy three. You need one for the room, one for the gym, and one for the truck. How else are you going to jam to the greatest band in the world, Nickleback, while you are driving, lifting, and relaxing?

Bitch about the internet. It doesn’t matter that you are in some third world sh1thole, you have a right to be able to upload videos of yourself onto YouTube for everyone to see. Make sure to upload full videos of your daily movements. OPSEC is for wussies.

Facebook picture. If it doesn’t show your rifle, your kit, your truck, and your guns, you are doing it wrong.

Weapons accessories. Screw policy, weapons were made to be altered. If there is open rail space, you fail. Bolt something to that. Buy a PEQ-4. It doesn’t matter if you don’t move at night, you still need it. Same goes with night vision. If you can’t afford the night vision, at least get the mount for your helmet. Vertical fore-grip is a must. Only losers use the hand guards. Plus, with all that sh!t bolted to the rails, you are going to need that vertical grip to hang on to. Weapon too heavy? Get your ass back to the gym.

Knives. You need lots of them. You need the biggest freaking knife you can find to strap to your kit. Make Mick Dundee piss down his leg in fear. Get another one to tape to your thigh rig. You need at least one Bench made auto knife to clip in your pocket. When talking to people, click it open and closed repeatedly. This will get your point across no matter what it is. If you’re man enough, stick a knife in your boot and another around your neck. Listen, you really can’t have too many knives. They’re like magazines in that respect.

Cellphone. Like the internet, even though the citizens of the country you work in are still wiping their ass with small rocks, you need a cellphone that does everything. If you can’t check your email or surf porn while on venue, what good is it going outside the wire? If you can get a molle pouch to keep it on your kit, you get more bonus points. Bonus points are good for discounted hookers in Thailand.

Military Chicks. Lure them into your vehicle with promises of alcohol and big Johnsons. The PX is the best place to find them. Bang them hard enough so everyone in your container complex knows what’s going on. Make them walk home.

Alcohol. If your company allows alcohol, drink as much as you can as often as you can. Puke and piss in the hall. Challenge the TCN’s to gunfights and win. Break sh!t. Throw bottles. Make sure that the company seriously rethinks it’s alcohol policy every time you show your face. Ruin everyone else’s fun. Get so drunk you do things that while sober would be considered gay. It’s OK, you were drunk when you ate that pringle out of your TC’s butt crack. If your company doesn’t allow alcohol, get sh!t faced anyways. Make sure to leave your empty bottles where admin will see it. Everyone loves having their room searched because you are a freaking idiot.

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Old 09-10-2010, 04:11 PM   #2
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LOL. Well then.

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Old 09-10-2010, 04:15 PM   #3
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So, this is my How To guide then? Apparently I have A LOT of work to do.

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Old 09-10-2010, 04:33 PM   #4
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Jack,

I thought G37 didn't get back to you on his life "outside the wire"?

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Old 09-10-2010, 04:47 PM   #5
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That is hilarious on SO many levels!

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Old 09-10-2010, 05:59 PM   #6
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I am completely qualified for the job! Where do I sign?

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Old 09-10-2010, 06:31 PM   #7
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Reminds of the 1970s- Special Forces, Qualifications for:

A K-Bar taped to your LBE that has never been sharpened
A star sapphire ring from Thailand
A Rolex watch from Hong Kong
at least one divorce

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Old 09-10-2010, 07:18 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dzscubie View Post
Jack,

I thought G37 didn't get back to you on his life "outside the wire"?
That is some serious funny right there.
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Old 09-10-2010, 07:33 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dzscubie View Post
Jack,

I thought G37 didn't get back to you on his life "outside the wire"?
Oh, damn.
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Old 09-10-2010, 08:01 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IGETEVEN View Post
Better yet, get a Thai girlfriend. Support her, her husband, and her kids. Pay their rent and put braces on the crumb-snatchers. That way you always have a place to crash in country.
If you can't get to Thailand, can you mail order one of these but leave her in Thailand? This sounds like this could be the least annoying girlfriend i've ever had: don't have to listen to her babble cuz it isn't in English, her parents are on another freakin continent, she is unlikely to show up drunk at 3AM at my house cuz she lives on another continent, any VD will not be a surprise, she probably won't have one of those damn mini-dogs cuz they are all named "appetizer" in her country , i already know about her true significant other cuz he babysits their kids, and since she already has her own rugrats that she probably had to squeeze out in a crowded ward with no anestetic (or at home) she will be doing everything she can to not get knocked up by me, and last but not least, i doubt she would be expecting anything great for Valentine's Day living in Thailand.

Hell yeah! Where do i send my money? I may have to save up for another one, so i can cheat on the first one.
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