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AusLach 06-19-2011 11:46 PM

How to be Australian
Lesson 1: Looking the part

The first thing that you will notice when you hop off the plane is the Australians simply look different. To fit in you will need a pair of thongs, footy shorts, a polo shirt and a tan. During the period of time where you are procuring these items, keep your mouth shut! If you don’t, you will give away that you are not from here and will invariably be introduced to Aussie culture (the pub) by a group of people proclaiming to be your new ‘mates’. These people are not your mates, you will meet them later. Don’t get me wrong, these guys will look after you and show you a good time; however the next morning you will be wishing you were dead. This is a hazing process that will continue on for about a week, by which time you will either have a criminal record, or a toe tag :eek:

Remember: Mouth shut...

Shihan 06-19-2011 11:52 PM
Not sure I want to be Australian.:eek::D

AusLach 06-19-2011 11:57 PM


Originally Posted by Shihan (Post 525896)
Not sure I want to be Australian.:eek:

Dammit Shi, your language lesson is up next!



AusLach 06-20-2011 12:05 AM

Lesson 2: The language

The most important thing that you will have to remember is that ‘G’day’ is a greeting, not a substitute for ‘good day’.
“G’day mate, how ya goin?” is acceptable,
“Righto, good talkin’ to ya, have a g’day” is not.

As you can see, it is common practice to pronounce words ending in ‘ing’, simply with ‘in’. We also use a variety of words in everyday speech that will likely be unrecognisable to you. If you ask what they mean, you will immediately be recognised as an import, and the hazing process from Lesson 1 will start.

Familiarise yourself with this dictionary: Australian Slang, and complete at least every second sentence in 'mate', regardless of whether you are talking to a male or female. Don't worry, it's a unisex term.

LONGHAIR 06-20-2011 12:19 AM

More g-string : Lessons....please.....:d

jca1 06-20-2011 12:36 AM

G'day mate, heading for the boozer to have some bottler amber fluid?

AusLach 06-20-2011 01:01 AM

Lesson 3: The mindset and values

Australians respect women, other people's beliefs, democracy, and our mates and we always give each other a fair go. We're a tolerant society and if you don't understand that or like it you can piss off.

Mateship: what is it? A mate is someone who would never sleep with your wife/girlfriend without asking you first. If you tell a mate you’ll do something, do it. Your word is your bond. A handshake is your contract and if you break it there’ll be hell to pay. Surround yourself with good mates and you’ll have no worries. They’ll come to your barbies every weekend throughout summer (August through to May), have your back in a blue, and protect you at all costs. Case point:

Sheila didn't come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girlfriend's house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been rooting around so rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.
The next week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila asks him where the hell he'd been. Bruce says he got a bit drunk at a mate's place and thought it was safer not to drive and crash out there. Sheila thinks he's been rooting around so rings his ten best mates. Eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he's still there.

Gatekeeper 06-20-2011 01:26 AM

Great insight Aus. However I'm thinking the best part (other than the female hindquarters) sounds like the intro to Aussie culture (the pub).
Whats the worst that could happen, I don't have a criminal record yet Oz:D

AusLach 06-20-2011 01:29 AM


Originally Posted by Gatekeeper (Post 525965)
Great insight Aus. However I'm thinking the best part (other than the female hindquarters) sounds like the intro to Aussie culture (the pub).
Whats the worst that could happen, I don't have a criminal record yet Oz:D

Well don't worry, you'll be sure to get one!

More to come after school this afternoon :cool:

AusLach 06-20-2011 04:57 AM

Lesson 4: BBQs and other stuff we eat

The BBQ is a sacred Aussie tradition. Aussies have barbecues because they are a spiritual people and it says in the bible they have to.

And he shall put his hand upon the head of the burnt offering; and it shall be accepted for him to make atonement for him.
And he shall kill the bullock before the LORD: and the priests, Aaron's sons, shall bring the blood, and sprinkle the blood round about upon the altar that [is by] the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.
And he shall flay the burnt offering, and cut it into his pieces.
And the sons of Aaron the priest shall put fire upon the altar, and lay the wood in order upon the fire:
And the priests, Aaron's sons, shall lay the parts, the head, and the fat, in order upon the wood that [is] on the fire which [is] upon the altar:
But his inwards and his legs shall he wash in water: and the priest shall burn all on the altar, [to be] a burnt sacrifice, an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the LORD.

We do not just value Vegemite. It is a black deity, and to prove you are Australian you must eat it straight out of the jar with a spoon. Can’t do it? Go home.

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