Firearm & Gun Forum - FireArmsTalk.com > General Discussion Forums > The Club House > Good Monday Morning........

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-21-2011, 02:40 PM   #11
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
lonyaeger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Bandera,Texas
Posts: 10,381
Liked 57 Times on 34 Posts
Likes Given: 1

Default

Very well, where do I begin?

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet.

My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament.

My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really.

At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.



__________________
lonyaeger is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 03-21-2011, 02:49 PM   #12
Ain't she sweet?
FTF_MODERATOR.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
winds-of-change's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 22,399
Liked 6750 Times on 4078 Posts
Likes Given: 8053

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lonyaeger View Post
Very well, where do I begin?

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet.

My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament.

My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really.

At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.
All righty, then.............enjoy the week. Say "hi" to minime on my behalf, would you?

Lon, have I ever mentioned that you scare me?


__________________
Honor Student: School of Hard Knocks
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
Quando Omni Flunkus Moritatus
winds-of-change is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 03-21-2011, 02:53 PM   #13
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
lonyaeger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Bandera,Texas
Posts: 10,381
Liked 57 Times on 34 Posts
Likes Given: 1

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by winds-of-change View Post
Lon, have I ever mentioned that you scare me?
Many times, and that's okay.

I'm actually quite normal.
__________________

Last edited by lonyaeger; 03-21-2011 at 03:04 PM.
lonyaeger is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 03-21-2011, 03:21 PM   #14
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: I see you, and you will not know when I will strike
Posts: 24,301
Liked 3475 Times on 1607 Posts
Likes Given: 3590

Default

Today is Day 3 of my body being held hostage by Master Cleanse / Fast thanks to my woman and her minions.

I have had one solid meal, out of protest and phsychological need on Sunday afternoon, but other than that it's been all liquid ( no booze Dave, I am sorry to say ) since Saturday morning.

This belief that you will suddenly feel spritely and like a teenager again because the cayenne and maple syrup are fulfilling any nutrional needs and the salt water cleanse is removing toxins from your mistreated body at the rate of a firehose on high pressure is a bunch of BS.

I feel like I could sleep 20 hours straight, which is up from my normal 10 hour request.

I have consumed the approximate quantity of water found in Lake Minnetonka. If I didn't hate the 'taste' of water before, this has officially cemented it firmly into my DNA.

On the bright side I am down over 5 pounds, though I am sure the 5 that I lost were probably equal parts energy, intelligence and Alpha Male.

People actually do this for 10 days straight? No wonder the Muslims are so pissed all the time. This whole "fasting" thing was designed by a degenerate sheep fondler!!

__________________
Dillinger is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 03-21-2011, 03:27 PM   #15
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Car54's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Sun, Sand, and Palm Trees,Fla.
Posts: 2,114
Liked 109 Times on 46 Posts
Likes Given: 6

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lonyaeger View Post
Very well, where do I begin?

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet.

My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament.

My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really.

At the age of 12, I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.
Darn, I thought this was the start of a letter to Dear Abby not a biography.
__________________

"As an American, I was not so shocked that Obama was given the Nobel Peace Prize without any accomplishments to his name, but that America gave him the White House based on the same credentials"...Newt Gingrich


The problems we face today are there because the people who work for a living are outnumbered by those who vote for a living.

Car54 is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 03-21-2011, 03:39 PM   #16
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
lonyaeger's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Bandera,Texas
Posts: 10,381
Liked 57 Times on 34 Posts
Likes Given: 1

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dillinger View Post
Today is Day 3 of my body being held hostage by Master Cleanse / Fast thanks to my woman and her minions.

I have had one solid meal, out of protest and phsychological need on Sunday afternoon, but other than that it's been all liquid ( no booze Dave, I am sorry to say ) since Saturday morning.

This belief that you will suddenly feel spritely and like a teenager again because the cayenne and maple syrup are fulfilling any nutrional needs and the salt water cleanse is removing toxins from your mistreated body at the rate of a firehose on high pressure is a bunch of BS.

I feel like I could sleep 20 hours straight, which is up from my normal 10 hour request.

I have consumed the approximate quantity of water found in Lake Minnetonka. If I didn't hate the 'taste' of water before, this has officially cemented it firmly into my DNA.

On the bright side I am down over 5 pounds, though I am sure the 5 that I lost were probably equal parts energy, intelligence and Alpha Male.

People actually do this for 10 days straight? No wonder the Muslims are so pissed all the time. This whole "fasting" thing was designed by a degenerate sheep fondler!!
And you're doing this just for weight loss or for other reasons as well?
__________________
lonyaeger is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 03-21-2011, 03:46 PM   #17
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Jo da Plumbr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 4,754
Liked 10 Times on 8 Posts

Default

I forgot to mention one exiting item of the weekend. On Friday night the girlfriend came to me to say "honey, can we talk".(never a good start) So she says she was reading an article on relationships and wanted to "tell me of her needs". After listening politely I said honey I have my own needs. I need to to stop reading these stupid articles.


And then the fight started.

__________________
Quote:

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we could identify their corporate sponsors."

Jo da Plumbr is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 03-21-2011, 03:46 PM   #18
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: I see you, and you will not know when I will strike
Posts: 24,301
Liked 3475 Times on 1607 Posts
Likes Given: 3590

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by lonyaeger View Post
And you're doing this just for weight loss or for other reasons as well?
Nah, I am good on weight loss and diet control. I am doing this as a show of support for my woman while she joins her minions at work doing it.

I can't be the unsupporting other half and be eating steaming hot meals twice a day in front of her while she is drinking lemon juice/maple syrup/cayenne pepper and lots of water.
__________________
Dillinger is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 03-21-2011, 03:48 PM   #19
Ain't she sweet?
FTF_MODERATOR.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
winds-of-change's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Northern Illinois
Posts: 22,399
Liked 6750 Times on 4078 Posts
Likes Given: 8053

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dillinger View Post
I can't be the unsupporting other half and be eating steaming hot meals twice a day in front of her while she is drinking lemon juice/maple syrup/cayenne pepper and lots of water.
I'd be doing that when I wasn't in her presence.
__________________
Honor Student: School of Hard Knocks
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
Quando Omni Flunkus Moritatus
winds-of-change is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 03-21-2011, 03:50 PM   #20
FTF_SUPPORTER.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
spittinfire's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Maiden,NC
Posts: 9,663
Liked 83 Times on 54 Posts
Likes Given: 5

Default

Hey JD, you blown your colon yet?



__________________

If the pain is lacking so is the discipline...

"the only 911 call I need is chambering a round" - Mr. Muller, MO car dealer

spittinfire is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Firearms Forum Replies Last Post
Monday Morning Laughs.............. IGETEVEN The Club House 3 03-23-2010 12:27 AM
Monday Morning Comedy Time......Redneck Pick-Up Lines....... IGETEVEN The Club House 2 08-17-2009 04:31 PM