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Old 09-17-2010, 10:34 AM   #11
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On the last step of a two man A ladder, holding a radiant tube heater in the air.

My co-worker farted, there was no where I could go. I had to just take it. It was like 3 day old deer guts, I thought I would die.

Of course, he thought it was the funniest thing ever.



This same friend told me this story.

He went to bed early, alone. While he was in bed he started farting. A while later his wife opened the door to the bedroom and almost fainted. She wouldn't get in the bed.
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Old 09-17-2010, 10:47 AM   #12
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This is absolutely true and I have witnesses. In the early 80's, me and 2 buddies headed over to the PX to browse. One of these fellas absolutely enjoyed Pabst Blue Ribbon, deviled eggs, and fried cheese curds (he was from Wisconsin). He was over by the electronics when he ripped it and soon the most ghastly odor possible spread throughout the entire store. Everybody was looking around for the culprit with a queasy look on their face. My Bud, being proud of the accomplishment, says loudly "Yes, it was me - top that if you can".

It was January and cold as hell outside and on our way back to the office we made this fella ride in the bed of the pickup...
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Old 09-17-2010, 11:28 AM   #13
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Every November a buddy and I would spend a week in a camper while going deer hunting. It was tradition to stop for White Castles (real gut bombs) on the way. That first night it was heaven help the first asleep for he might wake up with freckles or to find an a$$ staring him in the face.
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Old 09-17-2010, 01:36 PM   #14
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Anytime I go to a department store I like to cut through the ladies section to get to the men's section. Guess what I do when I cut through ..... that's right, I cut loose the dawgs of war!

I was entering a Sears heading for the escalator and cut right through the ladies blouse section. Sure enough I laid down about 15'-20' of cluster bomb ... a real nasty one. At first I thought I'll need a wipe for sure but then I realized it was just steam, no solids. So i make it to the escalator and head on up. About half way up 3 couples, late 30's or early 40's come strolling into Sears and immediately wade right into the danger zone.

One of the women turns on her man and barks at him for being disgusting. He immediately denies it and at the same time the other 2 couples notice the stench and they all begin to wither under it's aroma. And wouldn't you guess, these 3 couple took the exact same route as I did, so they are getting the full brunt of the power of my flatulence. Sure enough, just as I get to the top of the escalator 1 of the guys figures it out. He yells out "OMG, that guy totally ripped one!".

So now the cat is out of the bag and everyone within earshot is looking at me. So what does one do when caught red handed laying down some mustard gas? I dropped another one for good measure right at the top, trailing it along with me for another 8'-10' or so. Once the second trap was laid I picked up my pace, disregarded what I came to Sears for and made straight for the nearest exit. Just as I'm walking out the door I hear one of the guys yell out "Jesus Christ, he did it again!"

I rolled out of there with tears streaming down my face
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Old 09-17-2010, 01:45 PM   #15
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After a night of beer and a midnight run to Whataburger my roomate and I crashed. Woke up early and headed out fishing in my '90 converible Mustang. Top down doin 70 mph down the freeway jammin to the tunes. The music was up and the wind noise was fairly loud when I felt "IT" building and a rummble in my belly.

With all this noise who cares if its silent are not...The tops down too, so who will know.....Right?...so I let er rip.

You ever had one so bad that it lingered in a convertible with the top down doin 70 mph.....Not possible.....right?

Wrong!!

It lingered longer than I would have EVER DREAMED .....and it was BAD!!!!

We looked like a couple of Labradours hanging our heads out of the car for the next few miles in the wind just to breath......lol.....Good times.
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Old 09-17-2010, 02:24 PM   #16
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I was about 10-11 years old in the front yard playing touch foot ball with about 4-5 other kids. I was the little shy kid so was farting in front of someone was completely embarrassing. I feel the pressure starting to build, but what to do? I canít call an ďIíve got to go around the corner to fartĒ timeout. The only option in my young mind is clench. I donít even remember thinking about an exit plan or whatís next. . . . just clench. And clench I did.
So Iím playing defense at the time and staying in to block the pass (yup, I was THAT kid). Iím standing at the line waving my arms at the QB who was the older brother from across the street. Heís looking down field waiting for his guy to get open. Now Iím waving my little arms and jumping up and down. Only every time I land a little comes out, and itís whoopee cushion loud. PPP . . . PP . . . PPP PPP . . . P. . . PPP. After the third or fourth jump heís laughing so hard that I make it to 10 Mississippi. Thatís right, take the sack any way you can get it.
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Old 09-17-2010, 02:31 PM   #17
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This is a no fart story. My oldest daughter was graduating from Columbia Law and I flew up to be there. We we're in her apartment getting dressed for a formal dinner with her "team" and their parents. She looks at me very sternly and says: "Dad, you WILL NOT fart in front of these people."

Being the kind and considerate father I am, I did not let fly until we were in the cab heading back to her place...
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Old 09-17-2010, 03:40 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dog2000tj View Post
Anytime I go to a department store I like to cut through the ladies section to get to the men's section. Guess what I do when I cut through ..... that's right, I cut loose the dawgs of war!

I was entering a Sears heading for the escalator and cut right through the ladies blouse section. Sure enough I laid down about 15'-20' of cluster bomb ... a real nasty one. At first I thought I'll need a wipe for sure but then I realized it was just steam, no solids. So i make it to the escalator and head on up. About half way up 3 couples, late 30's or early 40's come strolling into Sears and immediately wade right into the danger zone.

One of the women turns on her man and barks at him for being disgusting. He immediately denies it and at the same time the other 2 couples notice the stench and they all begin to wither under it's aroma. And wouldn't you guess, these 3 couple took the exact same route as I did, so they are getting the full brunt of the power of my flatulence. Sure enough, just as I get to the top of the escalator 1 of the guys figures it out. He yells out "OMG, that guy totally ripped one!".

So now the cat is out of the bag and everyone within earshot is looking at me. So what does one do when caught red handed laying down some mustard gas? I dropped another one for good measure right at the top, trailing it along with me for another 8'-10' or so. Once the second trap was laid I picked up my pace, disregarded what I came to Sears for and made straight for the nearest exit. Just as I'm walking out the door I hear one of the guys yell out "Jesus Christ, he did it again!"

I rolled out of there with tears streaming down my face
So you're a cropduster!
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Old 09-17-2010, 04:09 PM   #19
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I love crop dusting. It is so fun.

My wife decided to feed the dog some Alpo Canned food once (Lets just say not that is never happening again). The dog wolfs through the canned food like there is no tomorrow. About 45 minutes later the kids are on the floor playing with the dog and her tug. She is running around in circles then it hits It is like a tornado of rotten death. That dog let go of the nastiest fart I had ever smelt. I am talking the kids ran away I was gagging my wife was gagging the dog is ringing the bells to go out side. I finely make it to the door and open it she darts out side and lets go of the biggest pile of crap I had ever seen I am talking mastif size crap out of a 30# dog I bet she lost 5# with that crap. It took febreeze spray and opening the bottom of the house for an hour to clear that thing out. OMG I almost puked it was so bad. Wife donated the other 5 cans of alpo we had the next day. Oh and the grass in the spot she crapped was dead in 5 hours even though I made the kids pick it up not 2 minutes after she let go of it.
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Old 09-17-2010, 05:19 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jpyle View Post
So you're a cropduster!
No, no, no, not at all. I'm more of a Rolling Thunder/Scorched Earth kind of guy

Another story,
Back when I lived in AZ i had gotten pretty sick. I was down for about 3 weeks, trapped inside the house. When I finally started to recover I could feel the sickness coming out of me - through my pores, my piss and sweat, it was foul and nasty.

So here I am awake at 8am and i make way to the couch with a blanket and pop on the tube. I sat there the entire day laying under the blanket all the while to listening to trumpet blasts every 3-5 minutes. Around 4pm my roommate comes home from work and walks in the front door. He immediately starts to gag and then his eyes start to water. After 2 steps inside he back peddles out the door and closes it. I could hear him wretching out on the patio and here I am inside trumpeting away. When he composes himself he yells at me form outside "what the hell died in there?, have you been home all day laying bombs?". I replied "absolutely! why is it bad?". He instructed me to open all the windows and that he would be back around 8pm and the apartment had better be clean.

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