Firearm & Gun Forum - FireArmsTalk.com > General Discussion Forums > The Club House > Funnies.....We need to laugh every day!

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-13-2012, 06:48 AM   #21
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Shoobee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Commiefornia USA
Posts: 964
Liked 42 Times on 34 Posts
Likes Given: 14

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by tri70 View Post
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."


When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her. "Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled 'Love',and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.


While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.

"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How I get in?

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia .."


Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry.....
There will be hell to pay later!!
That's great! I will use it in church the next time I am assigned to teach the adult Sunday school!

Thanks!
__________________
Shoobee is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 05-13-2012, 07:13 AM   #22
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Shoobee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Commiefornia USA
Posts: 964
Liked 42 Times on 34 Posts
Likes Given: 14

Default

Jesus and Moses were in heaven taking care of business to send angels down to earth with business about, when one day Jesus said "I need a vacation, lets go play golf at Pebble Beach."

So Jesus got his golden golf clubs and Moses got his silver golf clubs, and they flew down to Pebble Beach in a chariot of fire early one Sunday when everyone in Carmel was at church and the course was mostly empty. They were having a great day, until they came to the famous 17th hole, which overlooks the Pacific Ocean.

Moses was up, so he teed-up a silver golf ball and hit it, and it went straight into the ocean. He took a penalty and teed-up another silver golf ball, and it went straight into the ocean as well. So muttering, he threw down his silver golf club, and said "hold on, Jesus, I will be right back," and walked down to the beach, parted the ocean, and walked out on the sand and picked up is his silver golf balls from amid the thousands that were there on the ocean floor.

Now it was Jesus' turn, so he teed-up a gold golf ball and hit it, and it went straight into the ocean as well. Then he said to Moses, "you know, Jack Nicholas was really good at this, so we should be able to do it too." Then he teed-up another gold golf ball, and it also went into the ocean. Finally he tried a third gold golf ball, and that one went straight into the ocean just like the other two. Muttering now, he threw down his golden golf club and said, "hold on, Moses, I will be right back," and then he walked out on the ocean and was looking down to try to find his golden golf balls in the ocean.

Meanwhile two other golfers came up to Moses and asked to play through, which Moses said was fine, but when they looked out and saw Jesus walking on the water, one of them said, "wow! who does that guy think he is, walking on the water like that? Jesus?"

And Moses replied, "no, he thinks he's Jack Nicholas."

__________________
Shoobee is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2012, 03:26 AM   #23
RiverRat68
FTF_SUPPORTER.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
RiverRat68's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Las Vegas,Nevada
Posts: 149
Liked 119 Times on 56 Posts
Likes Given: 37

Default

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal journalist, and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the Democrats in Congress.'

The interview ended.

__________________
RiverRat68 is offline  
2
People Like This 
Reply With Quote
Old 05-27-2012, 04:35 AM   #24
Moderator
FTF_MODERATOR.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
c3shooter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Third bunker on the right,Central Virginia
Posts: 15,755
Liked 7566 Times on 3296 Posts
Likes Given: 1122

Default

The Minnesota Highway Dept had hired Sven as a line painter, painting the line down the middle of the road. The boss explained that their standard was 2 miles of line a day.

First day- Sven paints 4 miles. Boss is happy. Second day, 2 miles. Boss is not as happy, but that IS the standard. Third day, one mile. Not acceptable, so boss calls in Sven. "First day was great, second day ok- so what is wrong on the third day?"

"Vell, ya know, I been gedding furder and furder from da paint can every day......"

__________________

What we have heah is.... failure to communicate.

c3shooter is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2012, 10:48 AM   #25
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
tri70's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Siloam Springs,Arkansas
Posts: 1,324
Liked 540 Times on 324 Posts
Likes Given: 2178

Default

John was a salesman's' delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John. "Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school." "We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy.After all, He is your son!" With that, the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

__________________

Remember the battle of Athens, TN!

"Work as if you were to live 100 Years, Pray as if you were to die To-morrow." --Benjamin Franklin

tri70 is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2012, 11:01 AM   #26
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
tri70's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Siloam Springs,Arkansas
Posts: 1,324
Liked 540 Times on 324 Posts
Likes Given: 2178

Default

2012 DNC NATIONAL CONVENTION SCHEDULE

4:00 PM Opening Flag Burning Ceremony
4:05 PM Singing of "God Damn America" led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright
4:10 PM Pledge of Allegiance to Obama

4:15 PM Ceremonial 'I Hate America' led by Michelle Obama
4:30 PM Tips on Dodging Sniper Fire , Hillary Clinton
4:45 PM Al Sharpton Leads Castrati Choir in Singing, "Great Balls of Fire"

5:00 PM UFO Abduction Survival , Joe Biden
5:30 PM Eliot Spitzer Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite
5:45 PM Tribute to All 57 States

6:00 PM Joe Biden Delivers 100,000-Word Speech Featuring 23-Minute Question and 2-Hour Answer
8:30 PM Airing of Grievances by the Clintons
9:00 PM Bill Clinton Delivers Rousing Endorsement of Obama Girl

9:15 PM Tribute Film to Freedom Fighters at Gitmo , Michael Moore
9:45 PM Personal Finance Seminar - Charlie Rangel
10:00 PM Denunciation of Bitter Gun Owners, Rosie O'Donnell

10:30 PM Ceremonial Waving of White Flag for Iraq & Afghanistan
11:00 PM Obama Energy Plan Symposium/Tire Gauge Demonstration
11:15 PM Free Gov. Blagojevich rally

11:30 PM Obama Accepts Tony and Latin Grammy Awards
11:45 PM Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish , Obama Presiding
12:00 AM Official Nomination of Obama by Bill Maher

12:01 AM Obama Accepts Nomination as Lord and Savior
12:05 AM Celestial Choirs Sing
3:00 AM Biden Delivers Acceptance Speech


Note: There is one omission in the list above: Memorial recognition of Obama's surrogate son, Trayvon, will be in conjunction with the 12:05 AM event.
==================================
OPTION: Closing with a "Declaration of War" on the rich; to be decided just before the Convention. Mitt Romney will be declared "Public Enemy Number One".

__________________

Remember the battle of Athens, TN!

"Work as if you were to live 100 Years, Pray as if you were to die To-morrow." --Benjamin Franklin

tri70 is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2012, 02:15 PM   #27
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
levelcross's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Raleigh,NC
Posts: 961
Liked 162 Times on 114 Posts
Likes Given: 256

Default

If you stood up in Congress and shouted "Liar" who would they know who you were talking to?

__________________

Don't question my right to own a gun and I won't question your stupidity not to.

You give Peace a chance, we will cover you if it doesn't work out.

levelcross is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2012, 02:23 PM   #28
10-32
FTF_SUPPORTER.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
mountainman13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 11,525
Liked 2910 Times on 1715 Posts

Default

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes,no legs and no "junk"?

Still no fu#*ing eye deer.

__________________

I don't need No stinking signature.

mountainman13 is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2012, 02:54 PM   #29
Do what you want and not what others want you to do!
FTF_SUPPORTER.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Fathead00's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Northwest Indiana
Posts: 2,894
Liked 1073 Times on 643 Posts
Likes Given: 54

Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mountainman13
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes,no legs and no "junk"?

Still no fu#*ing eye deer.
Maybe they were by this sign!!!

Name:  image-150486265.jpg
Views: 80
Size:  32.7 KB
__________________
Fathead00 is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Old 06-07-2012, 03:19 PM   #30
Lifetime Supporting Member
FTF_LIFETIMESUPPORTER.png
Feedback Score: 0 reviews
 
Shihan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Somewhere being Awesome
Posts: 9,077
Liked 432 Times on 232 Posts

Default

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?


A pickpocket snatches watches.

__________________
Click if you want Awesome
Shihan is offline  
 
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Firearms Forum Replies Last Post
Laugh or cry? H2oWerker Concealed Carrying & Personal Protection 10 12-15-2011 01:05 PM
Laugh of the Day! CA357 Politics, Religion and Controversy 11 08-23-2011 02:16 PM
Want a laugh? HOSSFLY General Rifle Discussion 33 07-25-2011 01:43 AM
Who needs a laugh? dog2000tj The Club House 2 04-16-2011 08:51 AM
For those that need a laugh.... wldennis The Club House 2 07-02-2010 03:00 AM