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thdrduck 05-12-2014 11:55 PM

The fencer
We have the standard 6 ft. Fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. Long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn !,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank !

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously ! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this ???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Eagle1803 05-13-2014 12:16 AM

WTF, good grief! and after the burglar is down and caught he will probably sue you.

Don't know if I believe your whole story or not:D

JTJ 05-13-2014 12:31 AM

A buddy and I were heading to a field to do some bird hunting when we came up on an electric fence. He had been kidding me about wearing my hip boots to get through the tall wet grass. I hit the fence with the back of my hand and no problem so I climbed over it. He saw me go over the fence so he grabbed it. Wet leather boots make for a good ground contact. A lot better than hip waders. It was my turn to start kidding him.

Axxe55 05-13-2014 12:34 AM

i don't care if that story is true or not! that has to be the funniest stories i have read in while! i'm still laughing!

if there was a best post of the day, that one has to be todays!:D

therewolf 05-13-2014 01:15 AM

If you're not exaggerating, I don't want to try your Chili...:cool:

I know of folks who have keeled over dead from a very small

110V shock from an outlet.

303tom 05-13-2014 01:32 AM

A Buddy sent me this..........

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

> > > So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant.. A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
> > >
> > > All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries), pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’ What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.
> > >
> > > I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, Don’t do it stupid,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and …….
> > >
> > >
> > > I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking upon my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
> > >
> > > Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself you will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!
> > >
> > > A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel above the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. and had no control over the drooling.

> > > Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I’m still looking for my testicles and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!

> > > P.S … My wife can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
> > >
> > > If you think education is difficult, try being stupid I!

eatmydust 05-13-2014 01:47 AM

Now that **** is funny, I don't care who you are!:D:D

towboater 05-13-2014 02:05 AM

Great reading. Thanks for the posts. :D

dango 05-13-2014 03:01 AM

Now that is down right funny stuff , LMAO. , Thanks , I needed that ? :D

ellis36 05-13-2014 01:23 PM

Great story! When I first retired there were still beef cattle grazing in the pasture where I built my house…I decided on an electric fence...and I had a fence charger similar to ducks. Bought it at Tractors Supply. Best one they had.
I had experience with chargers over the years. They could give a decent shock if you were a bare-footed kid.

Like ducks, I had invested well in the ground rod theory. I had three six foot ground rods, spaced ten feet apart and connected together with #12 wire. Where I went wrong was not reading the operators manual as to how this one worked. It was a two-stage system. You touch it, it gives you a “get-off” warning shock. You don’t get off, it had four huge charged capacitors that dumped onto the line. I didn’t read that!

So when I hooked it up, my first thought was to “check it out.” Walked up, grabbed the top wire, felt a fairly strong shock…and just as I was thinking “that’s not so bad,” the capacitors kicked in! ducks has exaggerated his story a little…but not that much!!

Later I saw full grown beef cows knocked off their feet when they touched that fence!

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