Female speech decoder
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Female speech decoder


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Old 04-08-2010, 02:01 PM   #1
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Default Female speech decoder

We have a lot of young folks here so I thought I'd share a few tidbits from being married for over 32 years. Men are generally very stupid when it comes to the finer points of communication with the female of the species so here are a few easy ones:

"You want." means "You want."

"We need." means "I want."

"It's your decision." means "The correct decision should be obvious by now even to you."

"Do whatever you want." means "You'll pay dearly for this later."

"We need to talk." means "I need to complain."

"I'm not upset." means "Of course I'm upset, you moron."

"You're...so manly." means "You need a shave and you really need a shower!"

"I heard a noise." means "I noticed you were almost asleep..."

"Do you love me?" means "I'm going to ask for something expensive."

"You really should learn to communicate." means "Just agree with me, you idiot".

"No." means "No."

"Maybe." means "No."

"Yes." probably means "No."

"Nothing" definitely means "something!!!"

"Go ahead and do it" means "go ahead and do it only if you're prepared to pay dearly for the rest of your married life!" (See "Do whatever you want." above, as they are very similar...)

"Does this make me look fat?" means "Yeah, of course it does or you wouldn't have asked but even you can't possibly think I'm stupid enough to say so..."
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Old 04-08-2010, 02:37 PM   #2
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"Go ahead and do it" means "go ahead and do it only if you're prepared to pay dearly for the rest of your married life!"
Female speech decoder - The Club House


Hits so close to home...
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Old 04-08-2010, 02:54 PM   #3
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you are speaking the truth brother. ive been married 12 years and im finally learning those rules. lol
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Old 04-08-2010, 03:29 PM   #4
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-_- .........
Do they not know how to communicate without speaking in riddles?
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Old 04-08-2010, 03:34 PM   #5
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-_- .........
Do they not know how to communicate without speaking in riddles?
Not to my knowledge, and I've been married to the same great lady for over 33 years (jeebus, said 32 - glad she doesn't read the forum) - and have 2 grown daughters.

I'll never forget the time when I thought "Go ahead, do what you want" was really permission to do what I wanted.

Can't believe I forgot my personal favorite:

"I'm not mad" means "You better sleep with one eye open you no good Irish bastid"...

Last edited by NGIB; 04-08-2010 at 03:46 PM.
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Old 04-08-2010, 04:18 PM   #6
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Amen, brother. Been there, done that. Was married for 7 years to the same lady, got two kids together, see kids on weekends. She was unusually hard to decode compared to others of the female species mainly because she really truly believed I should be able to read her mind. Most women have some understanding that men don't function like that, so they cut us just a little bit of slack, but she was unforgiving!
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Old 04-08-2010, 04:53 PM   #7
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The truth fer shure.
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:43 PM   #8
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*is afraid of mariage....... O.O
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Old 04-08-2010, 07:22 PM   #9
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*is afraid of mariage....... O.O
Don't be afraid of marriage. Be afraid of women.
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Old 04-08-2010, 07:23 PM   #10
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LOL I would *like* to be able to stand up for the female half of our species. But the rules are as follows

1-all women are crazy, no exceptions

2-if you think you have found a non crazy woman refer to rule number one.
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