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Old 02-25-2013, 07:01 AM   #61
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Trying not to do it through lawyer.we share the kid I gave her the house,both cars and still give her money for other stuff like schools supplies ect.ect.ect...I gusse the question I should of asked is how to get along after the divorce for the next 13 years

It's tough. I did exactly that for the same time frame. You're going to have to sit down and make a mutual decision that any child's day is exactly that. The kids day. All your grievances and petty bs must be put aside when doing things for the kids. Sometimes you'll have to sit together, so slap on smile and be civil to each other for a few hours. You can do it.
NEVER ruin a child's special day.
My ex and I have pretty much pulled this off for over20 years, birthdays, graduations, weddings and grandkids, and we really dislike each other.
Good luck.
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Old 02-25-2013, 07:11 AM   #62
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Don't ever think that just because both of your families are in the area that she won't just up and move. My ex refused to leave the area when we were married, as she didn't want to leave the area her parents lived in. I really wanted to move, as the economy was ****ty then (early 1980's), and I wanted to move somewhere that employers were begging for workers. I worked construction back then, and Atlanta was booming!

The year our divorce came final, she moved to North Carolina, we lived in SE Ohio. I had moved to Dayton, and then the lady I'm married to now needed to move to Columbus to work. That would have been perfect, that was only at most a couple hour drive to get my kids. Not a word of warning, and she moved to Charlotte. And I didn't have enough cash to hire a lawyer and take her to court. The child support people told me there wasn't a thing I could do anyway.

Trust me, whether she wants child support or not, the court will set it. If you have any chance of getting full custody, do it! I'll not try to paint them all with a broad brush, but every divorced woman I've ever known eventually will use your kids as a weapon against you, refusing to allow visitation. And it sucks huge, unless you have unlimited funds to keep her in court constantly.

My ex got the house, both cars, all the household goods, etc., and I still got ordered to pay child support until my kids were out of school (college included). She even eventually took out a loan from a loan agency, and had her live-in boyfriend forge my name on the application, and defaulted on it. I got stuck paying that off, even after proving it wasn't my signature, as they wouldn't go after her. I even gave them her contact information.

You're in my prayers brother, it ain't gonna be easy, and it sure as hell ain't gonna be fun!

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Old 02-25-2013, 08:03 AM   #63
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First of all, I want to make clear that I am not a lawyer. And this is not to be construed as legal advice. But I am going to recount some stories here. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news. But I believe many others here have tried to help you see the situation more clearly.

What you have done - giving her the house, car, stuff, money, etc is very dangerous. Everything that you have parted with (given to her) can (will) be considered a gift by the legal system - when the fur starts flying. Then they will attack you further and extract even more through payments until at least the child is 18 - maybe longer. This is ruination on your part. You are the man. The men always lose. It is at the whim of the woman how far it goes - the laws are set up to protect the woman and the child. They do not care about the man. They do not care if the man ends up living in a cardboard box.

This gifting of your stuff is a very bad mistake that a lawyer would never had allowed you to do. Once gifted - it is gone. And the lawyer would never have allowed you to leave the house. That, in effect, is you ( the person who left) giving up the house. You then have no rights living in it. This is serious stuff - you should have had a lawyer- and a very cut-throat lawyer, at that. And that is very difficult to find - because all the lawyers realize that the man is going to lose - and most would really not rather be involved in it - it is such nasty distasteful business, these days - and they don't like losing and seeing their clients go down the drain - but they realize that is what is going to happen.

But what is even more dangerous to you - that You apparently don't realize - is that - if your wife chooses to, she could trump up child molestation charges against you - or child abuse charges (tell lies) - when you take your child for visitation. Flase accusations. You could very easily end up in jail - for a long time. Or you could even be shot by the wife with her defense being spousal abuse and temporary insanity. You could end up dead!

I am quite serious about this. I went through similar - the ex-wife did everything she could to damage me - when she finally figured out that she was not going to be able to control me. She was a control freak with a very nasty temper. I hired a private detective at one point who advised me about the child visitation danger and a vengeful ex-wife. He told me about his friend who was in jail (for years) on trumped up charges brought against him by the ex-wife - false child abuse charges. This stuff happens often - and it is sometimes later exposed and the man is vindicated of false accusations - but often not until the man has spent decades in prison. It's in the news pretty often. Surely you are aware of these things...

My lawyer, during my divorce, understood how nasty my ex-wife was - having met her and seen what she was attempting legally. He considered her "crazy" - and he was serious! She was trying to damage me as much as possible due to her vengeance and he saw that. He told me that even though I though the divorce had gone terribly badly for me - that at least I was still alive! - literally!
And he was very serious! You see, he told me of a recent case he had been a lawyer for, that had made national news and set the legal precedent for the temporary insanity "spousal abuse" killing of his client - the husband! He knew the couple. He knew both people - had interviewed both. He knew that the wife was a very vindictive hater. And she eventually gunned down her ex-husband just after the divorce - as he was coming to the house to pick up his daughter for visitation! She killed her ex-husband, his client, at the door of her house! And she convinced a jury that she did it under extreme duress due to years of "extreme" spousal abuse. It's now on the books in many states. It's justified murder! Temporary insanity - spousal abuse killing! Look it up!!

This is potentially very dangerous stuff you are messing with. I knew of another woman who shot and killed a coworker of mine - a military man in the parking lot of our office building - as he was departing a going-away get together prior to his being transferred to another base in another state. Many people witnessed this killing form the office windows! The woman - ex-girl friend - was deranged and she was vindictive! He had even gotten a restraining order against her. But that didn't matter when she confronted him at his car door and emptied her gun into him!

Please be reasonable and take this stuff seriously! Bad stuff really does happen! All the time! Everywhere. It's not just to someone else ...

You must be careful! The world is not as you think it should be. It is the way it actually is - reality!
You have already done much to damage yourself and very much to weaken any position you might have. The court doesn't care about "what a good father you are".
And you don't know what your wife is going to do, or think, next - it could change tomorrow and be awful! The courts care only about the separation agreement - who gets what - and that the child and mother get enough to live comfortably. Your living conditions don't even enter into it. It's a monetary formula on the books in each state. If you end up having to live in a rooming house for the next 15 years cooking beans on a hot-plate - it is no concern of theirs. The courts are heavily skewed toward the women.

Please see a lawyer! And look for one that has a reputation for being ruthless!
This is not a gentle game you are playing where you "just do stuff" without a lawyer and continue sleeping with the ex-wife whenever it feels good. This stuff, when it becomes legal and then a battle, is very much not nice stuff!

You must protect yourself. Record things - have witnesses to your actions.
If it eventually works out that you can be cordial with your ex-wife - and she is stable - that is great. And especially good for your child. But you have no way of knowing what the future is going to be.
She could turn the child against you when she realizes she can't control you - and becomes bitter. It's been done over and over and over ...

This is the stuff the other guys have been warning you about.

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Old 02-25-2013, 08:25 AM   #64
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The time to think about defensive driving is not after you t bone someone. The time to check the barn latch is not after the horse runs off. The time to think about divorce is not after you brought a child into this world.

After the children grow up, you can both live separate lives. What you have now, is the responsibility for your actions. It is not about you, or her, it is about them, or him, or her.

The first judge to grant a divorce should have been strung up by his nuts.
I whole heartedly disagree. I do believe my children would have suffered more anguish living in a home where the parents did not get along. I know many families where there is spousal abuse, child abuse, drinking, neglect, etc. You can't tell me for a minute that it is better "to stay together for the sake of the children". I have three successful, compassionate, educated and wonderful adult children.

I will argue with you that I WAS responsible for my actions in regards to my children. I didn't not file for the divorce and I was not happy about facing a divorce. I do believe it was best to raise my children as a single parent in a loving peaceful home.

In a perfect world, you advice would be great. Life is not perfect. Neither are we. No one gets married with the intent to divorce in the future. I did what was best for my children given the hand that was dealt me. I must say I did a pretty good job, too.

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i'm sorry but i can't agree with that. i have seen where parents stayed married for the benefit of the children. it doesn't always turn out in the best interests of the children.

sometimes it's better for the parents to divorce and provide two stable homes for the children, rather than one large unstable one.
Absolutely, Axxe. Those very words could have come from my fingers, my keyboard, my computer. I know many adults who were 'ruined' because their parents felt the need to stay together 'for the sake of the children'. One case where the Mother beat and emotionally neglected her children. She never hugged them, held them, played with them, got to know them. The Father never intervened because he didn't want to anger the Mother more and make the situation worse. Yeah, right, it was much better for the children to grow up like that. None of those kids could develop loving relationships and they have serious issues with authority figures making it very difficult, if not impossible, to keep jobs. They can't trust anyone, either.

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See? Now that Trip's divorce is finalized he can say this sort of stuff. That is the recovery stage- Being a Marine, Trip is trained to blow things up and destroy things. That's how a Jarhead recovers.
I never felt the need to diss my ex. Particularly not to the kids but even rarely to my friends. Once a co-worker said to me, "You are the only divorced woman I know who doesn't talk bad about her ex." I replied back, "What good would that do? All it would accomplish is to make me look like a b**ch and a bitter woman. I have no need to bad talk him. I know who I am, I know the truth behind the reason for our divorce and I let my actions speak for me and his for him."

My kids love their Father. But now that they are adults, they see their Dad for who he really is. They do visit him and spend time with him but they don't like to. More than once my kids have said to me, "I don't know how you could have been married to him for 12 years." I just smile and nod. The marriage was not unbearable and I would have stayed married had he not moved out and filed for divorce.
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Old 02-25-2013, 09:45 AM   #65
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For the children , be respectful at least.! (PUSH-YOUR BUTTONS ?), turn them off.

Some times a person needs tunnel vision , not me , not her , just a tunnel to the future ! I'm no Messiah and my life is like every body else s. I come from a home were fatherly abuse was a way of life.! I knew pain before I could speak!

This ain't about me though and I would really rather laugh and make others laugh than piss and moan , we all got our demons !

As you've probably noticed , I don't have any buttons , you can't make me angry! I'm sure you've seen the little insults I' receive on occasion , you can't get me.! Why....? When you figure that out , you have found the (TRUE-KEY) to inter peace and happiness .

Look beyond thy self to see thy self.....! No matter what happens here , remember , this is a new beginning for all involved !
How this turns out lies within YOU..! Best of LUCK and welcome to a new beginning..!

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Old 02-25-2013, 11:26 AM   #66
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My parents divorced when I was 19. I am 29 now and have been married for 5 years and have a 4 year old little girl. My parents arent civil at all. They couldnt give me a straight answer on whether or not they could get along at my wedding so we went to vegas and eloped. I should have cut ties with them then but I didn't. Something in me won't let me give up on them. They have consistently ruined events in my life with their selfishness like the birth of my daughter and her subsequent birthdays. To all you parents who are divorced with kids ..... always put them first.

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Old 02-25-2013, 11:45 AM   #67
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My parents divorced when I was 19. I am 29 now and have been married for 5 years and have a 4 year old little girl. My parents arent civil at all. They couldnt give me a straight answer on whether or not they could get along at my wedding so we went to vegas and eloped. I should have cut ties with them then but I didn't. Something in me won't let me give up on them. They have consistently ruined events in my life with their selfishness like the birth of my daughter and her subsequent birthdays. To all you parents who are divorced with kids ..... always put them first.
A little advice:
At the age of 12 , I had visions of ..........."HURTING" my father real bad..! By the time I hit 13 , instead of getting a "Bonner" and normal stuff , yue know "Hormones" ! Well , I was looking for a vent , I needed some way to stop this man from hurting my mother " and by this point , that man had created a monster...Eeeck. ME. I a nut shell , I got into .., shall we say , (SELF-DISCIPLINE ART FORMS)..!

15 years old and that man stopped hurting every one and I didn't have to hurt more than his pride..! That changed my perspective that would shape the rest of my life..! I do not hate him , I pity him !

DO NOT EMPOWER ANYBODY TO CONTROL YOU ! Not , wife , children , parents, NOT ANYBODY..! Surround them with love and they will love you back without control..! OR , Don't look back ,birth is only biology and doesn't make any one a parent...! LAUGH ON MY PEOPLES , LAUGH ON......!

Me thinks I'm getting WAY TOO PERSONAL HERE..! Think I'm gonna take a break , Love Ya's........!
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Old 02-25-2013, 12:27 PM   #68
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Dango, you're freaking awesome, and I mean that.

After reading Colby's post, I've decided I'm going to come on out an tell the whole story. I've never told all of you guys, and it's going to take me a while to write it. I haven't even told Cinder all of it. Her and I were talking last night about how some things we just don't talk about because there seems no point in volunteering and the relevant questions aren't asked.

So, even though the relevant questions haven't specifically been asked of me, Colby and several others brought up some related points that I'm going to talk about.

It'll take me a while to write it. Right now, I have to take off to go take Sue to school, but I'll be back in a minute.

Chaos, pay attention. What I have to say might just make you rethink several things. This will be a very long post, chronicling a nearly year long separation, plus a little time before the separation, with as much detail as I can muster.

Standby...

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Old 02-25-2013, 02:42 PM   #69
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The time to think about defensive driving is not after you t bone someone. The time to check the barn latch is not after the horse runs off. The time to think about divorce is not after you brought a child into this world.

After the children grow up, you can both live separate lives. What you have now, is the responsibility for your actions. It is not about you, or her, it is about them, or him, or her.

The first judge to grant a divorce should have been strung up by his nuts.
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Originally Posted by dango View Post
A little advice:
At the age of 12 , I had visions of ..........."HURTING" my father real bad..! By the time I hit 13 , instead of getting a "Bonner" and normal stuff , yue know "Hormones" ! Well , I was looking for a vent , I needed some way to stop this man from hurting my mother " and by this point , that man had created a monster...Eeeck. ME. I a nut shell , I got into .., shall we say , (SELF-DISCIPLINE ART FORMS)..!

15 years old and that man stopped hurting every one and I didn't have to hurt more than his pride..! That changed my perspective that would shape the rest of my life..! I do not hate him , I pity him !
Okay, AR10. Tell me Dango's child hood was better because his parents did NOT divorce. He had to live a nightmare every day. I'm not blaming his parents. I have been told the psychology of an abused woman who is afraid to leave the relationship. She has been brainwashed into thinking this is all she deserves. She may have been threatened with physical harm or even death if she leaves. Their mindset makes it difficult for them to get help.

I'm not thrilled with divorce but sometimes it's best for all involved, especially the children. In my case, divorce was handed to me on a platter. Was I going to fight to make my husband stay and love me when he didn't want to? Nope. I have more dignity than that. And you can't make someone love you who doesn't want to.
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Old 02-25-2013, 02:50 PM   #70
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My parents divorced when I was 19. I am 29 now and have been married for 5 years and have a 4 year old little girl. My parents arent civil at all. They couldnt give me a straight answer on whether or not they could get along at my wedding so we went to vegas and eloped. I should have cut ties with them then but I didn't. Something in me won't let me give up on them. They have consistently ruined events in my life with their selfishness like the birth of my daughter and her subsequent birthdays. To all you parents who are divorced with kids ..... always put them first.
At social events where my ex will be present, I greet him, have a few minutes of light chit chat, then try to avoid him the rest of the time. I would never ruin my children's or grand children's event by not being civil to my ex. How inconsiderate and selfish is that? I learned when I was about 5 years old it's not always about me and what I want.
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