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Old 12-15-2009, 01:49 PM   #1
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Default Deer Santa....

deersanta:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling, boy-wonder. You're on your way to a medicore career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa


Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Stop pestering me.
Santa


Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look son, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat-assed mommy, who rides his poor ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream, kid. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those, whatcha say?
Santa


Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a PlayStation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Campbell

Dear Campbell,
Who the f*ck names their kid "Campbell" nowadays? I bet you're freakin' gay.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Look, milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa


Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China Every year I give them an extra slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa

P.S.
Tell your mom she got the part.
"Long Dong" Claus


Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Live with it.
Santa


Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE
could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging sh1t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa


Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you keep getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the neighborhood boys do, through your sister's bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,
Santa


Merry F*cking Christmas, Jack



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Old 12-15-2009, 02:07 PM   #2
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Screen door in a hurricane...Classic. Nice work Jack. Merry F**king Christmas to you, too!



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Old 12-15-2009, 02:10 PM   #3
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Default Rofl

That's just wrong..

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Old 12-15-2009, 02:30 PM   #4
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ROFL!!

Someone needs a hug me thinks!!

Where's Tangoliscious? Jack needs some holiday cheer.

JD

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Old 12-15-2009, 02:37 PM   #5
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Epic, hahahha simply awesome. I would probably start answering letters like that too if I got that much mail.

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Old 12-15-2009, 02:38 PM   #6
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Thanks Jack!! LMAO!!

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Old 12-15-2009, 03:21 PM   #7
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Now that's one festive emmeffer. Good one Jack.

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Old 12-15-2009, 05:48 PM   #8
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Dear Santa
I want a new bike for christmas.
Love,
Bobby


Dear Effing DOUCHE BAG Bobby
What kind of bike stupid, well you say bike do you want an effing harley or one of them stupid dam rice rockets or do you want a effing bicycle you dam moron. Good Lord kid be a little more specific so Tangoclause can get you want you don't want a DOUCHE BAG. I bet your at the bottom of your class you little turd muncher arn't you. I bet Little Johny the dumbest kid on the block is a higher reading level than you dumb azz. Go punch yourself in the junk till it falls off so you never have a chance to make more stupid babies.

PISS OFF

Tangoclause.

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Old 12-15-2009, 06:00 PM   #9
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Thanks Jack (& Tango) I needed a good laugh today...

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Old 12-15-2009, 06:34 PM   #10
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Default de ebonics Crimmus Pome

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus
And all ower da hood
ereybody wuz sleeping
Dey wuz sleepin' good.

We hunged up our stockings
An hoped like de' heck
That old Santa Clause
Be bringin' our check.

All o'de fambily
Wuz layin in de beds
While Ripple and Thunderbird
Danced through dey heads.

I passed out inna' flo'
Right nex to my Maw
When I heard sech a fuss
I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!

I looked out thru de bars
What covered my doe
'spectin' de sheriff
Wif a warrent fo sho.

And what did I see;
I said, "Lawd look at dat!"
Ther' wuz a huge watermellon
Pulled by giant warf rats.

Now ober all de years
Santa Clause, he be white
But looks liken us bros
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.

Faster dan a Po'lees car
My home boy he came
He whupped on dem warf rats
An' called dem by name.

On Leroy, on Lonzo
And on Willie Lee
On Saphire, on Chenequa
Dey wuz a site to see.

As he landed dat watta'mellon
Out der in da skreet
I knwed it was fo' sho'
Da damndest site I ebber did see.

He didn't go down no chimbley
He picked da' lock on my doe
An' I sez to myself
****! He done dis befoe."

He had dis big bag
Full of prezents I 'xpect
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold
to wear roun' my neck.

But he left no good prezents
Jus started stealing my ****
Got my drugs, got my guns
Even got my burglars's kit.

Wit my stuff in de bag
Out da windo he flewed
I woudda' tried to catched him
But he stoled my 'nife too.

He jumped on dat wadda'mellon
An' whipped out a switch
He wuz gone in a seccon'
Dat son of a bitch!!

Next year I be hopin'
Anutha Sanna we git
Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause
Jus' ant' werf a ****!!!



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