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Old 03-17-2010, 01:39 PM   #1
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Default Cow Politics #2

Unfortunately (and to everyone's detriment, no doubt) there are always more of these. Brace yerselves

Carried on from this thread


The Cow Political System #2


FEUDALISM: You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes some of the milk. And all the cream.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

MILITARISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

DESPOTISM; MODERN:
You have two cows. The government steals your cows and shoots you, but in interests of pleasing the global community, name you as a "Militant Rebel Insurgent", call their government an "Enlightened Centralised Executive", and ask for UN peacekeeping troops to come and separate the radical separationist cow-owners from normal people.

THEORETICAL DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

DEMOCRACY #2:
You have two cows. They outvote you 2-1 to ban all meat and dairy products.

INDIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You worship them.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go mad. The government gives you compensation for your diseased cows, compensation for your lost income, and a grant not to use your fields for anything else. And tells the public not to worry.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

BUREAUCRACY - EU:
You have two cows. The EU declares them to be fruit in order to conform to a rare Belgian custom of making Cow Jam (jam being required to have at least 45% fruit).

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

ANARCHISM: You have two cows. You keep the cows and steal your neighbour's bull. You ignore the government. Meanwhile, your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.

LIBERALISM #1:
You have two cows. You give away one cow and get the government to give you a new cow. Then you give them both away.

LIBERALISM #2:
You have two cows. You sell both to the rich. The government then taxes the rich one cow and gives it to the poor.

LIBERTARIANISM #1:
Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.

LIBERTARIANISM #2:
You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

LIBERTARIANISM #3:
You have two cows. You let them do what they want.

MARXISM-LENINISM:
The proletarian cows unite and overthrow the bourgeoisie cow-herds. The egalitarian democratic cow revolutionary state with the cow party as vanguard disintegrates over time. Marx choked on a veggie-burger before he could explain what happens to the use-value, exchange-value and sign-value of bovine leather.

FUNDEMENTALISM #1:
You have two cows. The government kills you for owning cows, confiscates your cows, and then kills everyone who suggests that the government should be killed for owning cows.

FUNDEMENTALISM #2:
You have two cows. The Bible does not mention cows, and the government confiscates them because they do not exist.

COUNTERCULTURALISM: Wow, dude, there’s like . . . these two cows, man. You have got to have some of this kickass milk.

NEW ZEALANDISM:
You have two sheep.

AUSTRALIANISM: You have two cows, and decide to base your economy around them. You find out the best way to milk them, then find out that everyone else is giving away milk for free.

ZIMBABWEISM: You have two black-and-white cows. You decide that you don't like the white parts, so decide to hack them off with a knife. You then wonder why the cows seem to be dying. You blame the white cow in the next paddock for the whole thing.

NIHILISM:
There are no cows. There never were. You have a cigarette and a cup of black coffee to ponder the cow-shaped hole in the universe.

PACIFISM:
You have two cows. They stampede you.

PROTECTIONISM:
You have two cows. You can't buy a bull from another country.

REDISTRIBUTIONISM:
You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You lay one off, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when she drops dead.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM (AKA 'ENRON CAPITALISM'): You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows.
The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Island’s company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company.
The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

CORPORATE CAPITALISM: You have two cows -- IN THEORY. But, ACTUALLY, you have shares in a mutual fund that includes a large agribusiness conglomerate which gives you the theoretical equivalent of ownership of two cows. This agribusiness proceeds to invest heavily in a slick "Got Milk?" celebrity campaign while moving aggressively into application of Monsanto's recombinant Bovine Growth Hormone (rBGH), a bioengineered hormone which is injected in the cows every other week to force the cows to produce more milk than their bodies normally would. rBGH is similar, although not identical, to a hormone that the cow naturally produces. Increasing levels of this hormone boosts milk production, causing a number of problems with the milk, among them, raising levels of pus, antibiotics residues and a cancer-accelerating hormone called IGF-1. Your shares rapidly rise in value as you watch your virtual herd grow to four, then eight, and eventually SIXTEEN theoretical cows . . . before the market finally crashes. Some years later you are diagnosed with cancer of the colon, too late, unfortunately, to treat it benignly because your HMO had cut back on screening tests as a cost-saving move in order to meet the high dividend expectations of the very same mutual fund your 401k was invested in. A colonectomy keeps you alive, for the time-being at least, but you have to wear a bag of sh1t strapped to your leg for the remaining years of your life. Still, at least it's a better quality of life than those factory cows lead . . . Maybe two cows WOULD have been enough...

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

FOREIGN POLICY, AMERICAN-STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes them and uses the money to buy a cow for a poor farmer a country ruled by a dictator. The farmer has no hay to feed the cow and his religion forbids him from eating it. The cow dies. The man dies. The dictator confiscates the dead man’s farm and sells it, using the money to purchase US military equipment. The President declares the program a success and announces closer ties with our new ally.

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Old 03-17-2010, 01:58 PM   #2
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