Originally Posted by Yunus
I wish the Bills didn't suck this year.
You wish is granted and the Bills, through an influx of money from "private investors" and some "leveraged trades" amass a team that is first in just about every statistical category.
Their defense is destroying opposing teams with with an average takeaway ratio of 12 per game. 9 first or second round priority picks are knocked out for the rest of the season by your defense in the first 4 games alone.
Your offense is racking up points so fast that the scoreboard looks more like a slot machine. Individual NFL records are falling every quarter as your team demonstrates the kind of superb one mindedness that can only come from years of training together.
Other teams have called for investigation into PED's, steroids, anything to explain their dominance.
By the 10th week the feds are involved and it's quickly apparent that the private investors were in fact several members of organized criminal syndicates that are making money hand over fist by betting on the games. They are insuring they win each long shot by not doping your players, but doping every player on the opposing teams through hotel meals, high priced escorts and aerosol based inhalents in the locker rooms themselves.
By the playoffs your team has been officially taken over by the Feds, garnering many new nicknames. Your team is essentially sending YMCA league players to the field to agree to the coin toss, then take a knee and issue a submission.
Your season will long be remembered as the new "Black Sox" and your fan base has set a new state record for domestic violence. Women's groups focus on the new crime stats and work together with other liberal, anti-fun organizations towards elimination of not only football, but the sale of BEER!
You sir, have caused the demise of the very thing you hold dear. I do hope it was worth it.
I wish every politician, in every office and in every nation, were all, simultaneously, confronted with their worst, most horrifying, primal fear such that only the top 1% of the truly strong survive to learn the errors of their ways.