The Complete Military History of France
The Complete Military History of France:
* Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.
* Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare:
"France's armies are only victorious when not led by a Frenchman."
* Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
* Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
* Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. She claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
* War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
* The Dutch War - Tied
* War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three "ties" in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
* War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
* American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the formerly English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare:
"France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
* French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
* Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
* Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
* World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like not only to sleep with a winner, but with one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
* World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
* War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
* Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
* War on Terrorism - Losing. France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to the Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. France will be the first European country to fall to Islam and will no longer exist for Frenchmen.